"If it's so complicated then probably it's not meant to be."

Maybe.

It's all coming back... Can't fight it anymore. I don't know what to do with myself... Don't know what to do with all these feelings. It's horrible. :( and I can't let it show, can't tell anyone coz it's been so long and it's supposed to be over. It was over... Or so I thought. Until the lid was flipped open.

At the end of the day, I still miss you. Yes, still. Unfortunately.

happy birthday to me

I turned 29 on friday. Doesn't feel like 29. Sure hope i don't look like 29. Have I grown up? Possibly. Definitely more nonchanlant (perhaps jaded). Over the past couple of years, one of my greatest fear is that I'll become more selfish and not know how to love anymore. That wall is coming up again. I attribute it to self-preservation. If I don't protect myself, who is/will? If I love freely, there will be nothing left of me! I'm so scared of letting my gaurd down and dive in. Look what good that has done me so far. That's right - nothing. What's the point of loving if there's always a chance of getting hurt. Yeah sure, there's happiness too. But I'm beginning to wonder if the happiness is worth the potential hurt.

Phuket was great. Everything felt right for that couple of days. But it all ended there.

Perhaps what I've been doing all these while was suppress my feelings... Not wanting to think about it, and shoving it all aside. Makes it easier. Coz facing it hurts.

Been wishing for this year to end... And 10 months later, the wish is coming true. Not particularly lookimng forward to 2012 either though. After awhile, it's more or less going through the motions - eat, sleep, work, and the occasional play. Time for the next phase? Maybe.

2011. Wow. 10 years ago I would probably have never imagined this would be where I am right now. It's kinda (actually very!) different from where I thought I'd be. Once upon a time I envisioned myself to be married by 24 or 26 latest.. Have 2 years of honeymoon and then have my first kid at 28. Hahaha. Ah, the bliss and privilege of being youthful!

It's been a rather random past couple of years. There were (lots of) ups... There were also the expected downs. After all, whatever that goes up has to come down.

I still don't know what's happening with/in my life. Got bored and chopped off my hair yesterday. From mid-back to chin length. Needless to say, everyone in office was shocked.

The most painful thing is watching the one you love stop loving you.

The first time I fell in love, I was 16 going on 17. The second time I was 24 going on 25. (Coincidentally around the same period tooo, come to think of it!!) Honestly, after the first time, I wasn't sure if I could ever find the fireworks again... The whole getting swept off my feet and butterflies in my stomach feeling. That's something words cannot describe. In between 17-24 and 26 till now, I've met guys whom I've grown fond of and care about but never the whole get swept off my feet feeling. Ironically, those 2 times that I got swept off my feet, I was also thrown back down on the ground. Love found, love lost. A little more broken, a little more jaded.

Boys are funny creatures with 2 yardsticks for measuring standards: one for themselves and one for others. When she doesn't text for a week, he asks her friend what happened and if she's angry. (Funny how he can ask her friend but not ask her.) However, when he doesn't text at all, it's just coz.

ding dong bell. throw them in the well.

Love. What is love? Love is nothing but an illusion. Love is nothing but heartbreak and tears and sleepless nights. At the end of the day, love doesn't keep me warm. What is love. Do you really sacrifice and do stuff for someone just coz you love them or just coz you want to of you have to?

Look at me... All jaded and cynical. I'm so tired. I feel like there's nothing left of me to give, to love. I wanna just sit this one out.