Let not my will but Yours be done

i've always trusted God to provide nothing but the best for me. so why should now be any different?

april 2008

i want april back. april was a good month. why did it have to end? (almost) everything was perfect in april. sigh. april or any other month before may. everything went wrong after may. never mind if i only saw him once in april. that one time was enough. and besides, he called me everyday in april. after may, everything just went wrong. so what if i saw him at least twice a week for the whole of june? it was always at clubs and parties. not like he talked to me anyway. he hasn't been calling me much of late. i hear from him once in like 3 or 4 weeks? sigh. and he's going to be away for the next 3 weeks. in the forests of the neighbouring country. why like that. sad. emo.

sick. terriby sick. the doctor even gave me 2 days of mc.

so i guess my body finally couldn't take the days of endless partying and lack of sleep.

when is it actually the end?

how do you know when it's time to give up? when it hurts till it can't hurt no more? when there are no more tears left to cry? when you see him with other girl(s)? when you hear from his friends that you actually mean nothing to him? or only when he tells you in your face that everything that happened in the past year was nothing?

what am i to him? what's happening/what's going to happen next? what does he actually take me for? these are only some of the questions that i will never dare to ask him. i miss him so much... so much so i just block it out. it's too painful missing him. i know why i have been drinking so much the past year, i just don't want to acknowledge it.

what happened to my happily ever after? i really really thought i did everything right this time round. but look at how things have ended up. i don't think it's any different if i hadn't done it the right way. it's the same ending, just that i took a longer, more painful time to get there. on hindsight, i could have gotten to this same ending in 3 months. why wait for 1 year? why torture myself like that? i don't know. i'm so jaded. i thought i did it right with him. but i was wrong. i thought he was different. i thought things will be different with him. i knew this wasn't going to come to any good the moment i realised i like him alot. look at sc. i liked him alot too. love at first sight. and it was over in a month. now this one. fell for him the moment i saw him. haven't felt like this in 7 years after sc. warning bells were ringing non-stop in my head. but i blocked them out. i thought it will be different. i wanted this to work. i was so afraid of doing something wrong. this one is someone i wanted to be right for. my close friends would know. for him, i gave my all. my all and more. i never gave my all before. i always held back a little coz i didn't want to get hurt. self protection, if you will. but this one... i put in my all and more. i totally let my guard down. the walls which i had built around myself to prevent myself from getting hurt, i tore them down. for the first time in my life, i am vulnerable. i took a deep breath and fell head first. head over heels for him. with him i was everything i told myself i will never be before. i was tolerant. i was patient. i was naive. i was stupid. i was happy. i was sad. i gave without expecting anything back. i waited. i waited even though i couldnt see any light at the end of the tunnel. i sucked it all up. i trusted him. blind trust. i ignored the words of everyone else. i told myself, this is between me and him. i'm never ever going to let what other people say about him affect me. i let my feelings grow for him. i was in love. i am in love. i am in trouble.

it's exactly a year today.

one phonecall and all is right again! see, i'm so easily contented!! i don't need big fancy expensive stuff to make me happy. i only need that one phonecall from him! just hearing his voice is enough to make me the happiest girl in the world. *grin*