And somehow, i find myself at november once again. How is it almost end of the year already? This has been one random year... Lost my job in feb, fell in love in april, went on one of the best holidays ever in jul, got another job in sept, materialised a biz idea in oct... What a year. Who would have seen all these coming in jan?

I'm kinda excited about this new business idea ming and i came up with.. We've always wanted to start something together for awhile now... Just that the time was never right and we were preoccupied with our jobs or some other random stuff. But this time around, everything seemed to fall into place nicely. All the pieces of the puzzle fit. Yes, this idea came out of nowhere but instead of sitting on it (like we did with so many of our genius ideas before), we worked toward making it happen. It might actually work! How exciting!!

The less I care, the less I feel.
The less I know, the less I feel.

Ugh. The trick is finding the balance before I become void of all feelings.

tomorrow's the last day of the months of holiday i have been enjoying. after 7 months, i finally start work proper again on monday. 7 months of partying, chilling, bumming, sleeping and being able to do whatever i want to do at whatever time i wish. 7 months of not having to wake up at 8am to go to work. 7 monoths of perpetual fridays and weekends. aye. no more. come monday, it will be back to the days of dragging my sleepy ass out of bed in the morning, trudging to work and spending the next 9 hours or so in the office before bell rings. no more rolling around in bed. no more having the luxury of drifting in and out of sleep. no more being able to bum around at home. ah oh well. all good things must come to an end, i guess.

i don't exactly know what to look forward to on monday. after all, it's been 7 months since i last worked proper. it's definitely going to take some getting used to. plus this job is something totally different. nothing like what i've done before. change is always good. i was bored with the previous job anyway. but i will miss the afternoons. :( i will have to fully switch back to sg time from monday onwards. sigh. the body clock is all confused. doesn't help that i'm wide awake now at 230am!

the head is spinning. probably from the vodka.
is good!

sitting and sulking

it's yet another one of those restless days.
it's too hot for a run.
i want to go cycle but i can't find the air pump for the tyres.
i'm annoyed with the world.
i can't get the things i want.
i can't do the things i want to do.

sleep is the best thing ever. i can sleep foreverrrr. sleep blocks out the world, blocks out reality, blocks out everything. when i sleep, it's just me and my dreams and the world is only how i make it out to be.

isn't it ironic that the closer you get to a person, the more you refrain from revealing to him/her. it could be for various reasons... for fear of hurting the other party, to protect yourself from being judged, whatever. you just don't tell all anymore. it's funny coz you would usually tell a person more the closer you get but doesn't seem to be that case. it's more like usually you'd tell a person all but the closer you get, the less you tell and the more you choose to omit/hide. isn't it sad like that? then one day there might be nothing left to say. is that why the old couples just end up telling each other about the weather, the sky, the trees and the birds? oh dear. the sight of an old couple still lovingly holding hands is really sweet though. they were probably in love with each other for 50 or 60 years. imagine that!

hmmm... maybe all it takes is just a simple touch. a hug, a kiss, a squeeze on the hand. words are overrated. think about it... after a long day at work, a hug or a kiss from your other half would make your day. (or maybe a ice cold pint of beer would work too. hahahahaha) but seriously, sometimes a hug says more than a thousand words. besides, it's supposed to be better off knowing less, so maybe the gradual ommission of facts is the secret to long lasting relatinships?

ping piang.

breathe. breathe is good. deep breaths is good.
breathe in. breathe out. breathe in. breathe out.

is ignorance really bliss? what happened to "knowledge is power"?
if ignorance is indeed bliss then being empowered by knowledge wouldn't make you happy?

argh. feeling horribly restless. maybe i do need a job.

i miss my grandma. :( i love how i used to sit next to her in the kitchen while she cooked and eat the food the minute it was ready... especially the love letters!! and the bah zhangs. i miss how she used to wait for me after school, sitting in the garden with my grandfather. sigh!

pms sucks. it's like being dragged on some roller coaster ride of emotions. only i don't know what's next.

so... i succumbed and went ahead with clicking and making the purchase.

detachment is an art.

1, 2, 3, 4

There's only 1 thing, 2 do, 3 words, 4 you.
There's only 1 way, 2 say, those 3 words and that's what I'll do.

i've come to realise that guys are jealous and territorial creatures. okay, not exactly come to realise. i knew it long ago. it's just getting more apparent. you may no longer be dating them but when they see you with another guy, they question. what's up. and it's not even like immediately ask me who's the friend. it's like after many hours then rake it up, out of nowhere. then they disappear with another girl. .... wtf.
i don't like to be questioned by people who don't have a right to ask questions. people who choose to suddenly mia do not have a right to question my choice of friends. only one person has the right to ask me questions now. if he chooses to ask questions, i can perfectly understand. but not anyone else. tsk.

The parents are quite haps. It's sat night and i want to sleep in but instead, they went to get tix for a midnight show and told me to go watch with them.

Killing time in between interviews by NOT shopping is sure not easy. Hah. The afternoon sun is so blazing hot... Makes me wish i was at home. I can't decide if my throbbing head is coz of the sun or coz of the 2hrs worth of tests i had to sit through just now. Ugh. Most brain activity since the longest time. Now i'm all zoned out. Plus i'm hungryyyyyy.

guys kiss and tell and share their "conquests"?! tsk. seriously?! ugh. i am truly disgusted.

what does it mean?

if dreams are supposed to mean something, then what does this mean?

i had the worse nightmare ever. like really ever ever. at first i couldn't wake up from the dream and when i finally did, my heart was beating so fast, i was covered with cold sweat and i couldn't stop crying, for almost an hour. yes, it was that bad. the nightmare itself probably doesn't even sound scary but i was terrified. waking up shaking with fear kind of terrified. it has never happened to me before. and i don't know why i couldn't stop crying even when i woke up.

so in the dream, or nightmare, or whatever, i was trapped in a building complex. i took an elevator down, got into a cab and then realised i didn't have anything in my bag. no wallet, no money, no nothing. so i asked the cab driver to turn back. i got off the cab, it was raining heavily, somehow. don't know why. but anyway, i got off the cab and back to the building to get my wallet. but when i got there, i couldn't find my way back to the apartment. i was lost. there were more lifts now then when i left the building. there were all these alphabets and numbers but i couldn't find my apartment. it was like i was stuck in a maze. the lifts were random. there was no structure and i couldn't find my way. so i got into one lift, the lift which i thought was the one i came down earlier from but i couldn't find the floor i wanted to go. there wasn't any number. the lifts were weird. it had random floor numbers. and it was odd. odd random floor numbers. and the lifts had weird guys. i couldn't get out. i was trapped. then i started to panic. i know i was going to be late for the interviews. then i don't know how come i thought i got the days and times wrong. i didn't know which day it was. like was it 12hrs before/after. the more i tried to figure it out, the more confused i got. (this is probably the crazy jet lag kicking in) and i panicked even more. but i couldn't get out of the building. i was trapped. there was some sort of map but that didn't make any sense either. and then at some point, i knew i was dreaming. it wasn't real. all i had to do was wake up. but i couldn't wake up. i was just stuck in the building, running around in circles, getting in and out of lifts that brought me to nowhere. it didn't matter which lift i got into or which floor i pressed coz when then lift doors opened, i was right back where i started! there was no one around to help me. there were only weird freaky people. i wanted to wake up and get out but i simply couldn't! finally somehow i jumped up and found myself in tears and all and shaking really badly. :(

so what does this mean?

i have a theory. the person you love the most will be the same person who hurts you the most. the one who makes you smile the most will also be the one whom you will end up crying over the most.

but like they all say, the world's a stage. so put on a mask, smile and go face the world. lights on. take a deep breath. smile. and go hide behind that mask. coz feelings make you vulnerable. coz feelings can break you. coz feelings messes with your head. coz feelings make you irrational. coz feelings can hurt. coz feelings are real.

i used to think that all the up times made all the down times worth it (even if the downs outnumbered the ups)... but sometimes i wonder if we should all just crawl back into the shell and hide. with no ups, there will be no downs. isn't that better? am i losing the fairytale ending? i'm the idealistic girl. the one who believs in happily ever after, regardless of all the crap that has been thrown in my face. i still believe in love. i believe there's this one person who can make you smile and make your heart melt. this one person can light up your face. this one person can right all the wrongs. just a simple hug and everything will be alright. this one very special person. but i also forget that this one very special person could also be be the one who will end up hurting me. i always forget. i never learn. coz i only choose to see the good. i choose to take the happy times and forget the pain. coz a simple hug can right all the wrongs. coz that hug can make everything bad go away. that hug is all it takes. i'm idealistic like that. i fall in love. i smile. i cry. i pick myself up and love again. i never learn. i don't want to be jaded. i want to believe there's still a happy ending out there, even if it's really somewhere far far away out there. there is still a happy ending waiting. it's my happy bubble. nothing can burst that.

headacheeeeeee. from all that airplane air. gah. can't believe i have another flight in 4 hrs. yawn. my hair feels so dry and static, it's flying all over the place.

it's so freakin' early in tokyo that the shops are not even open. zzzz. and i thought i could do some shopping to kill time.

absolutely cannot wait for wed. yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. has it been 5 weeks already? just a couple of days ago, it seemed like forever. and now it's just a couple of days away. wheeeeeee. hapinessss. :D

isn't it funny how sometimes the closer you get to a person, the more things you find yourself holding back for fear of hurting the other party. but if it was with someone you barely know, you just tell them everything, not worrying how they will react or feel. it shouldn't be like that at all. the closer you are to someone, the more you should want to tell that special someone. but somehow it is never the case. 'tis the irony of life. is this how relationships end up dying?

counting down! yipeeeeeeeee. 3.5 more weeks. i can't wait!

stupid birthday party. i should never have gone. it was like a total repeat of the christmas party. zzzzzzzzzzz.

bad day. baddddd day. sigh. damn sian. and i can't sleep also. argh. what kind of lousy day is this.

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i lost my phone. and i wasn't even drunk or anything. zzzzzzzzzz. mighty annoyed.

it's such a horrible day today. sucksssssssssssssss. max sucks. why! this is so not my day. sian.

tell me why

this song couldn't have been more perfect at that time!

I took a chance, I took a shot
And you might think I’m bulletproof, but I’m not
You took a swing, I took it hard
And down here from the ground I see who you are

I’m sick and tired of your attitude
I’m feeling like I don’t know you
You tell me that you love me then cut me down
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
Makes me run for cover when you’re around
And here's to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you’re doing to me
Tell me why

You could write a book on how to ruin someone’s perfect day
Well I get so confused and frustrated
Forget what I’m trying to say, oh

I’m sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You tell me that you want me, then push me around
And I need you like a heartbeat
But you know you got a mean streak
That makes me run for cover when you’re around
Here’s to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you’re doing to me
Tell me why

Why... do you have to make me feel small
So you can feel whole inside
Why... do you have to put down my dreams
So you’re the only thing on my mind

I’m sick and tired of your attitude
I’m feelin like I don’t know you
You tell me that you want me then cut me down
I’m sick and tired of your reasons
I got no one to believe in
You ask me for my love then you push me around
Here’s to you and your temper
Yes, I remember what you said last night
And I know that you see what you’re doing to me
Tell me why
Why, tell me why

I take a step back, let you go
I told you I’m not bulletproof
Now you know

gggrrrrrrrrr

why OH WHY can't people mind their own business and not judge me!!! i don't even know those girls. geez. seriouslyyyyyy. what is wrong with them!!!!

ggggggrrrrrrrrrr. i'm hopping mad. furious!!!! oh so very furious!!! how old are they. nothing else better to do? and here i thought the days of wild gossips flying up and down were over after jc. but nooooooo. almost 10 years after jc and there are still girls who cannot grow up. tsk. so what if i'm close to my guy friends? they're my friends. i know they wouldn't do anything to me. so what if sometimes i sit on their laps. it's coz there's no where else to sit and i'm tired!!! those stupid girls probably cannot grasp the concept of having close guy friends (or any friends for that matter) coz they are so caught up in their cobweb of gossips.

how i wish they would just spontaneously combust and disappear.

so, i've been thinking... i seem to have a propensity to go for the almost impossible. kinda like a gravitational pull towards trouble. why? :) it just happens!

chocolate chip ice cream... yums! really want some of that right now. i seem to have an insatiable craving for that recently. hah.

wow. i just noticed i have been blogging for almost 6 years now. never realised how time flies. and judging by the total number of entries each year, i seem to be writing less with each passing year. i don't know why also. started to get caught up with work i guess. either that or maybe i unknowingly found other outlets to rant... or maybe it wasn't worth writing anymore coz it's always just the same old story. or is it that i stop thinking anymore. stopped reading, stopped writing, stopped thinking. everyday became a routine. i go to work, come home, go out, go to sleep, wake up, go to work. like clockwork, never missing a beat. and now suddenly everything is at a standstill and i don't quite know what to do. i suppose now would be a good time to take a good look at myself, rethink my life etc.

it does feel weird having so much time on my hands suddenly. i almost feel lost. haha. suddenly i can actually do all the things i wanted to do for the past 3 years but never had the chance to coz of work!

recession hits home

yup. recession has finally hit home. got axed on friday. i guess when it finally happens to you, it's not so funny anymore. the aftermath of this whole sub-prime mortgage crisis suddenly seems too close for comfort. ah oh well. it was only a matter of time with all the banks cutting their headcount. still, it's kinda surreal.

so suddenly i have a lump sum of money but no job. i used to lament that i had plenty of leave to take to go for a holiday, except i didn't have the cash. now i have both the time AND money to go for a holiday. at the expense of losing my job. life's a joke sometimes, eh?

maybe being axed is not such a bad thing after all. it wasn't like i was totally in love with my job. was already getting restless and wanted to look around before the whole crisis set in. then priorities were changed and job security was suddenly on the top of the list instead of job satisfaction and value add. but now i'm free to do what i want to do. only i need to get over the initial shock. it all happened so fast, it still seems surreal. sure, when my boss told me on thursday evening that there was a meeting with him and his boss on friday afternoon, i kinda sensed something was wrong. i mean, in this kind of turbulent times, when your boss calls for a one-on-one meeting with him and his boss, it can never be something good. so in a way, i was somewhat mentally prepared. i just didn't expect my gut feel to be correct. when i walked into the meeting room and saw a lady i never met before, with a brown envelop on the table in front of her, i knew. it just had to be. the feeling really sucked. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

anyway, i'm contemplating going back to school. checked out the deadlines for the masters course i've been wanting to do and it's end of this month.. which leaves me about 4 days to get all the applications completed. essays and all. eeks. seems like such a rush.

i know everything happens for a reason and when God closes one door, He will open another one. all i can do for now is trust.

on an entirely different note, looks like me and him were never meant to be colleagues. haha. he joins and not long after, i got the cut.

he starts work in the same company as me today. how weird is that. none of us ever thought this would actually happen.

The crowd you see on an afternoon bus ride is totally different from the one in the mornings. It's kinda of a refreshing change coz i haven't taken an afternoon bus ride for awhile. :)

So i boarded the bus and was greeted by students, senior folks and the random working execs. Sitting opposite me are a pair of uni lovebirds. Haha. Those were the days indeed. Reminds me of seconday school and jc... which is like almost 10 years ago. Yikes.

i'm pmsing BIG time. Don't even know why it's so bad. Annoyed and irritated with everything. Short-fused. Short tempered. Black face. The works. ggggggrrrrrrrr.

and so another year has come to pass...

2009. This is it. The beginning of another year. Hmm... I can't help but wonder how this year will turn out. 2008 seemed a little hazy (partly coz for the past 6 months, i was half drunk most of the time?) heh. Oh well.

New year resolutions? Never really gave it much thought. I think somewhere between 23-26, i gave up making new year resolutions. I realised, more often than not, the year passes by too quickly for me to even have any chance to make good any of the resolutions. Either that or i forget what my resolutions are by feb or march!

I can't help but wonder how this year will turn out to be. Will it be better than last year? Will it be worse? I guess the only answer is que sera, sera.