he's back... after 3 weeks. not surprising at all that he didn't call/msg me when he got back. not surprising also that when i saw him yesterday, he didn't even bother to say hi to me. *shrugs* it's over. i don't care. and for the first time, it really doesn't bug me that he ignored me. hah. instead of my usual "I WANT TO DRINK MORE NOW!", i simply brushed it aside when he came to the table and said hi to EVERYONE there but me.

the best decision i probably ever made was to give him up 2 weeks ago. it really helped that he wasn't around too.

the end.

I told you how I felt
I told you what it meant
But I still haven't changed your mind

I know that you're afraid,
You're frightened of the pain
But you can let down your guard

Cause when we run, we hide
We deny what's inside

What good is a heart, if you're not gonna use it?
What good is your love, if you're too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then it's for a reason
If you're not even willing to start, what good is a heart?

Don't make the same mistake that people often make
And miss out on a chance for love

You've got to make your move, you've got to make it soon
Cuz you're dying inside

Coz I'm a girl, but I cry
I have fears, I won't lie

What good is a heart, if you're not gonna use it?
What good is your love, if you're too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then it's for a reason
If you're not even willing to start, what good is a heart?

Come on baby, you know it
Boy, anyone who looks can see that I'm right

There's a chance, we should take it
Or regret it for the rest of our lives

What good is a heart, if you're not gonna use it?
What good is your love, if you're too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then it's for a reason
If you're not even willing to start, what good is a heart?

i can't wait for this year to end.

maybe now is a good time for me to leave the country... find a job elsewhere...

yesterday was my grandfather's first death anniversary. i can't believe it has been a year already. still feels like yesterday. everytime i go to my auntie's place, it still feels like my grandfather is there. his room is still untouched... his bed, his clothes. sigh. i miss my grandfather. i know we all do. i remember his last few weeks in hospital... every weekend and every other lunch time or after work, i would go visit him... even if it was just for an hour during my lunch or 20mins after work just before the visiting hours were over. it didn't matter that i couldn't speak teochew to him... i just sat there with him and i know he was happy to see me. it pained me whenever he asked my aunties where i was and i made sure i always went to see him everyday regardless of how busy i was. my grandfather was my priority. everything else other than work (and only coz i can't decide what time work can be) was scheduled for only after visiting hours were over.

one of my greatest regrets is that he didn't live long enough to see me get married and see his great-grandchildren. being the eldest grandchild, i felt that was the least i could do for him. back in those days when boys were favoured more than girls, the granduncles and grandaunties were disappointed that the first grandchild, me, turned out to be a girl and not a boy. but my grandfather chided them all and loved me all the same.

gong gong... i miss you. even though i don't know how to say it teochew, but i miss you all the same.

Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself in your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

Wrong Again

From the day we met,
You made me forget all my fears.
Knew just what to say,
And you kissed away all my tears.

I knew this time I had finally found,
Someone to build my life around...
Be a lover and a friend.

After all my heart had put me through,
I knew that it was safe with you...
What we had would never end.
Wrong again.

Everybody swore they'd seen this before.
We'd be fine.
And you'd come to see, that you still love me...
In good time.

And they said there's nothing you can do,
It's something that he's going through,
Happens to a lot of men.
And I told myself that they were right,
That you'd wake up and see the light,
And i'd just have to wait till then.
Wrong again.

And it seemed to me the pain would last,
My chance for happiness had past,
Nothing waiting 'round the bend.
I was sure I'd never find someone
to heal the damage you had done,
My poor heart would never mend,
Wrong again.

Wrong again.

How Can I Not Love You?

Cannot touch, cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss
Cannot have each other
Must be strong
And we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

Cannot dream
Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel
Must pretend it's over
Must be brave
And we must go on
Must not say what we've known all along

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you

Must be brave
And we must be strong
Cannot say what we've known all along

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you...
When you are gone

Complicated

Chill out whatcha yelling' for?
Lay back it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be, you will see.
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin' in your car,
And you're talking to me one on one

But you've become somebody else round everyone else
You're watching your back like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool you look like a fool to me

Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated

ah. that song says it all.

why like that?!

Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it doesn not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, is it not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these 3 remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 4-7, 13.

Love, love changes everything, hands and faces, earth and sky
Love, love changes everything, how you live and how you die
Love can make the summer fly or a night seem like a lifetime
Yes love, love changes everything, now I tremble at your name
Nothing in the world will ever be the same

Love, love changes everything, days are longer, words mean more
Love, love changes everything, pain is deeper than before
Love will turn your world around, and that world will last forever
Yes love, love changes everything, brings you glory, brings you shame
Nothing in the world will ever be the same

Off into the world we go, planning futures, shaping years
Love bursts in and suddenly all our wisdom disappears
Love makes fools of everyone, all the rules we made are broken
Love, love changes everything, live or perish in its flame
Love will never ever let you be the same

Love love love. Is love really all you need?
Love messes with your head. It makes you do the silliest things, causes you to not think rationally... and then gets you upset. sigh.

Love... love makes the world go round.

2 words: fucked up.