i loveeeeeeeeeee christmas!! i really do!

christmas came early this year. see! there really is christmas magic. :)

my first half-marathon

feeling really proud of myself for completing my first half-marathon on sunday! i have never covered 21km before. neither did i train for it. boy, did i really feel like i was going to collapse! my legs seemed detached from my body. somewhere after 12km, i couldn't feel them anymore. and when i tried to run abit faster, i felt like i was dragging lead against the road. zzzzzzzzzz.

doing the half marathon was something i really wanted to do. i wanted to see how far i can push myself. even though i wasn't sure if i could even actually complete it. i had no idea how far 21km really was. heh. but i found out that when you're out there, distance doesn't mean anything anymore. you just keep going until you see the finish line ahead of you. there was just no giving up. no turning back. i could only go one direction: forward. sort of like finding your way out of the desert.

as with the other 10km runs i did, everytime i hit the 7km mark, i will start to ask myself WHY, OH WHY did i decide to torture myself like that. but when i was doing the 21km, that question never came up. funny. instead, it was just one word: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. i really want to die like now. hahaha. 100plus never tasted so good. i could actually feel my body thanking me for refuelling it with liquids.

the very same night, my legs felt like crap. i took a nap after the run and when i woke up, i couldn't move. both hands and legs. i cannot even begin to describe the pain. haha. excruciating pain doesn't even begin to tell the story! yet, i still limped my way to dinner and headed down to party. needless to say, i got quite smashed. fatigue accelerated the drunkedness.

all in all, it was quite the experience. i'm actually glad i did it. might just do it again next year.

when is it all going to stop?
when will it all go away?

and it's december. whooopeeeeeee! 24 days to christmas. i love it already.

you know christmas is nearing when you hear christmas songs being played on radio.

yes, i'm feeling quite cheery today. happiness comes in small little packages. :)

is it better to love or be loved?

and so another year has come to pass.... and the quarter century mark has been crossed. it's official: i'm no longer in the mid-twenties. booooo.

the birthday this year has been rather peaceful... no funny turn of events... none of his nonsense too. just friends around me and darling viv who came back all the way from down under and stayed on for my party! yay.

is it really almost the end of november already? i can't wait for christmas.

let not my will but Yours be done. it sure rolls off the tongue easy but it's so much more difficult practicing it. how often do we actually mean what we say and do what we say? letting go and letting God take control is never easy.

christmas, please hurry. please please please pretty please.

i can't wait for christmas. christmas has its way of making everything right once again. somehow it just does. christmas magic, perhaps?

it's never really the end, is it?

weird twist of events. very weird indeed.

sleepy sleepy sleepy!!!!!!!!!!!!

how i wish i was curled up in bed.

I Still Believe

i love the lyrics of this song! it's such a typical fairytale love song... believing in true love and all.

Somehow I know I will find a way to a brighter day in the sun
somewhere I know that he waits for me
someday soon he'll see I'm the one

I won't give up on this feeling
and nothing could keep me away

Cause I still believe in destiny
That you and I were meant to be.
I still wish on the stars as they fall from above
Cause I still believe, believe in love.

I know what's real cannot be denied
Although it may hide for awhile...
With just one touch love can calm your fears
Turning all your tears into smiles

It's such a wondrous feeling
I know that my heart can't be wrong

Cause I still believe in destiny
That you and I were meant to be.
I still wish on the stars as they fall from above
Cause I still believe, believe in love.

Love can make miracles change everything
Lift you from the darkness and make your heart sing.
Love is forever when you find it's the greatest power of all.

Cause I still believe in destiny
That you and I were meant to be.
I still wish on the stars as they fall from above...
Cause I still believe... believe in love
Yes I still believe... Believe in love
I still believe in love
I still believe... believe in love.

he's back... after 3 weeks. not surprising at all that he didn't call/msg me when he got back. not surprising also that when i saw him yesterday, he didn't even bother to say hi to me. *shrugs* it's over. i don't care. and for the first time, it really doesn't bug me that he ignored me. hah. instead of my usual "I WANT TO DRINK MORE NOW!", i simply brushed it aside when he came to the table and said hi to EVERYONE there but me.

the best decision i probably ever made was to give him up 2 weeks ago. it really helped that he wasn't around too.

the end.

I told you how I felt
I told you what it meant
But I still haven't changed your mind

I know that you're afraid,
You're frightened of the pain
But you can let down your guard

Cause when we run, we hide
We deny what's inside

What good is a heart, if you're not gonna use it?
What good is your love, if you're too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then it's for a reason
If you're not even willing to start, what good is a heart?

Don't make the same mistake that people often make
And miss out on a chance for love

You've got to make your move, you've got to make it soon
Cuz you're dying inside

Coz I'm a girl, but I cry
I have fears, I won't lie

What good is a heart, if you're not gonna use it?
What good is your love, if you're too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then it's for a reason
If you're not even willing to start, what good is a heart?

Come on baby, you know it
Boy, anyone who looks can see that I'm right

There's a chance, we should take it
Or regret it for the rest of our lives

What good is a heart, if you're not gonna use it?
What good is your love, if you're too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then it's for a reason
If you're not even willing to start, what good is a heart?

i can't wait for this year to end.

maybe now is a good time for me to leave the country... find a job elsewhere...

yesterday was my grandfather's first death anniversary. i can't believe it has been a year already. still feels like yesterday. everytime i go to my auntie's place, it still feels like my grandfather is there. his room is still untouched... his bed, his clothes. sigh. i miss my grandfather. i know we all do. i remember his last few weeks in hospital... every weekend and every other lunch time or after work, i would go visit him... even if it was just for an hour during my lunch or 20mins after work just before the visiting hours were over. it didn't matter that i couldn't speak teochew to him... i just sat there with him and i know he was happy to see me. it pained me whenever he asked my aunties where i was and i made sure i always went to see him everyday regardless of how busy i was. my grandfather was my priority. everything else other than work (and only coz i can't decide what time work can be) was scheduled for only after visiting hours were over.

one of my greatest regrets is that he didn't live long enough to see me get married and see his great-grandchildren. being the eldest grandchild, i felt that was the least i could do for him. back in those days when boys were favoured more than girls, the granduncles and grandaunties were disappointed that the first grandchild, me, turned out to be a girl and not a boy. but my grandfather chided them all and loved me all the same.

gong gong... i miss you. even though i don't know how to say it teochew, but i miss you all the same.

Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself in your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts the rest of my life

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

Wrong Again

From the day we met,
You made me forget all my fears.
Knew just what to say,
And you kissed away all my tears.

I knew this time I had finally found,
Someone to build my life around...
Be a lover and a friend.

After all my heart had put me through,
I knew that it was safe with you...
What we had would never end.
Wrong again.

Everybody swore they'd seen this before.
We'd be fine.
And you'd come to see, that you still love me...
In good time.

And they said there's nothing you can do,
It's something that he's going through,
Happens to a lot of men.
And I told myself that they were right,
That you'd wake up and see the light,
And i'd just have to wait till then.
Wrong again.

And it seemed to me the pain would last,
My chance for happiness had past,
Nothing waiting 'round the bend.
I was sure I'd never find someone
to heal the damage you had done,
My poor heart would never mend,
Wrong again.

Wrong again.

How Can I Not Love You?

Cannot touch, cannot hold
Cannot be together
Cannot love, cannot kiss
Cannot have each other
Must be strong
And we must let go
Cannot say what our hearts must know

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here in my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone

Cannot dream
Cannot share sweet and tender moments
Cannot feel how we feel
Must pretend it's over
Must be brave
And we must go on
Must not say what we've known all along

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you

Must be brave
And we must be strong
Cannot say what we've known all along

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you here In my arms
How does one waltz away from all of the memories
How do I not miss you when you are gone
How can I not love you...
When you are gone

Complicated

Chill out whatcha yelling' for?
Lay back it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be, you will see.
I like you the way you are
When we're drivin' in your car,
And you're talking to me one on one

But you've become somebody else round everyone else
You're watching your back like you can't relax
You're tryin' to be cool you look like a fool to me

Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else
Gets me frustrated

ah. that song says it all.

why like that?!

Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it doesn not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, is it not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs... It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these 3 remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." - 1 Corinthians 4-7, 13.

Love, love changes everything, hands and faces, earth and sky
Love, love changes everything, how you live and how you die
Love can make the summer fly or a night seem like a lifetime
Yes love, love changes everything, now I tremble at your name
Nothing in the world will ever be the same

Love, love changes everything, days are longer, words mean more
Love, love changes everything, pain is deeper than before
Love will turn your world around, and that world will last forever
Yes love, love changes everything, brings you glory, brings you shame
Nothing in the world will ever be the same

Off into the world we go, planning futures, shaping years
Love bursts in and suddenly all our wisdom disappears
Love makes fools of everyone, all the rules we made are broken
Love, love changes everything, live or perish in its flame
Love will never ever let you be the same

Love love love. Is love really all you need?
Love messes with your head. It makes you do the silliest things, causes you to not think rationally... and then gets you upset. sigh.

Love... love makes the world go round.

2 words: fucked up.

Let not my will but Yours be done

i've always trusted God to provide nothing but the best for me. so why should now be any different?

april 2008

i want april back. april was a good month. why did it have to end? (almost) everything was perfect in april. sigh. april or any other month before may. everything went wrong after may. never mind if i only saw him once in april. that one time was enough. and besides, he called me everyday in april. after may, everything just went wrong. so what if i saw him at least twice a week for the whole of june? it was always at clubs and parties. not like he talked to me anyway. he hasn't been calling me much of late. i hear from him once in like 3 or 4 weeks? sigh. and he's going to be away for the next 3 weeks. in the forests of the neighbouring country. why like that. sad. emo.

sick. terriby sick. the doctor even gave me 2 days of mc.

so i guess my body finally couldn't take the days of endless partying and lack of sleep.

when is it actually the end?

how do you know when it's time to give up? when it hurts till it can't hurt no more? when there are no more tears left to cry? when you see him with other girl(s)? when you hear from his friends that you actually mean nothing to him? or only when he tells you in your face that everything that happened in the past year was nothing?

what am i to him? what's happening/what's going to happen next? what does he actually take me for? these are only some of the questions that i will never dare to ask him. i miss him so much... so much so i just block it out. it's too painful missing him. i know why i have been drinking so much the past year, i just don't want to acknowledge it.

what happened to my happily ever after? i really really thought i did everything right this time round. but look at how things have ended up. i don't think it's any different if i hadn't done it the right way. it's the same ending, just that i took a longer, more painful time to get there. on hindsight, i could have gotten to this same ending in 3 months. why wait for 1 year? why torture myself like that? i don't know. i'm so jaded. i thought i did it right with him. but i was wrong. i thought he was different. i thought things will be different with him. i knew this wasn't going to come to any good the moment i realised i like him alot. look at sc. i liked him alot too. love at first sight. and it was over in a month. now this one. fell for him the moment i saw him. haven't felt like this in 7 years after sc. warning bells were ringing non-stop in my head. but i blocked them out. i thought it will be different. i wanted this to work. i was so afraid of doing something wrong. this one is someone i wanted to be right for. my close friends would know. for him, i gave my all. my all and more. i never gave my all before. i always held back a little coz i didn't want to get hurt. self protection, if you will. but this one... i put in my all and more. i totally let my guard down. the walls which i had built around myself to prevent myself from getting hurt, i tore them down. for the first time in my life, i am vulnerable. i took a deep breath and fell head first. head over heels for him. with him i was everything i told myself i will never be before. i was tolerant. i was patient. i was naive. i was stupid. i was happy. i was sad. i gave without expecting anything back. i waited. i waited even though i couldnt see any light at the end of the tunnel. i sucked it all up. i trusted him. blind trust. i ignored the words of everyone else. i told myself, this is between me and him. i'm never ever going to let what other people say about him affect me. i let my feelings grow for him. i was in love. i am in love. i am in trouble.

it's exactly a year today.

one phonecall and all is right again! see, i'm so easily contented!! i don't need big fancy expensive stuff to make me happy. i only need that one phonecall from him! just hearing his voice is enough to make me the happiest girl in the world. *grin*

it's friday! friday friday friday!!!

i have a very bad feeling about tonight. me smells trouble...

the world is changing, and so are we.

it's funny. we're all moving on to different phases of our lives. once upon a time (not that long ago) we were all still in school. look where we are now.

school... ah, those were the days... the carefree days when we were bounded only by project deadlines and exam dates. all we had to do was go to school for the first half of the day and then we were done! we had all the time in the world to play (except for those couple of weeks before exams when we were buried by the books. not by choice but by circumstances!). primary school days came and gone. blink blink blink. and we were done with secondary school too. blink. jc was over. blink blink. next thing we know, it was graduation. what we had spent the most part of our lives doing was finally finished. 20 years spent studying. is this the light at the end of the tunnel or are we just going from one tunnel to another tunnel, with just a quick glimpse of the pretty blur sky above us? 20 years spent moulding us and preparing us for this next phase of our lives. 20 years just went by like that. shocking.

where do we go from here? what do we do next? i started work. my friends started to work too. i look around me and realise that we have all grown up. unknowingly, we had somehow stepped right out of our school shoes and into leather shoes/stilettos. we spent 20 years studying. are we going to spend the next 20/30/40 years working and then the rest reaping the fruits of our labour? when i was 6, i could have never imagined what i will be like 20 years from then. it seemed like that could only happen in another universe. at 6 years old, turning 10 seemed like a milestone in life. hah. it's weird. being where i am now. everything's so complicated. everything seems much more complicated. i don't know what i want to do. i know i need to go somewhere, i just don't know where. i know i have an end destination, i just haven't found out where that end destination is. yet.

where will i be 20 years from now? i don't know. remember that old song? que sera sera. what will be, will be.

of all the days, i forget to bring my ipod to work. just when i needed it most!

yawn... i'm having so much trouble staying awake at work!

i know what i have to do. now i just have to do it.

but why am i feeling so irritated? something's missing. something's not right. everything feels wrong. i need to set my life right.

maybe i should go for a run to clear my head.

my parents are getting on my nerves again... wanting to know where i am and breathing down my neck to be home early. gggrr. most annoying.

james, i'm very very very tired. do you know?

my life is a huge mess. everything is wrong.

oh boy... guess WHO i saw tonight?! and right before i leave for japan!

i'm leaving for japan next week. i should be happy. but why do i not feel that way?

i hate mondays. argh. it's just 45 mins into monday and it already feels wrong. it doesn't help that i'm not getting the phonecall i'm waiting for. aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. i hate hate hate hate HATE mondays. *sulk*

mondays are painful

i do not have the ability to work on monday (or on any other day).
my brain is simply not functioning.
i'm staring at my work but none of the thoughts are actually being processed.
it's monday. monday sucks. i took half day last monday to play mahjong and that felt totally right! today is just wrong wrong wrong wrong WRONG!!!!!! argh!

i hate mondays. bleh.

i need a new job.

i need a car. my tolerance for public transport is hitting a new low everyday.

being sick is no fun at all. *sulk* i've been on mc since friday. my throat hurts terribly. sigh. couldn't sleep at all the whole weekend. each time i swallow anything, even my own saliva, i cringe and wince with pain. it's so painful i feel so helpless and i just end up sitting in bed, crying. poor little me! 3 nights of uneasy sleep was more than i could bear. went to the doctor's first thing on monday monrning to get painkillers and some drowsy medicine to knock me out. the medicine did its job real good! i slept the whole of yesterday and i can't feel any pain now. best. but this is the thing i don't like about painkillers: you don't know if they pain is really gone or it's just being temporarily being masked by the pills. like now... i don't know if my throat is really better or the pain is still there, only i can't feel it. but who cares. i can eat and sleep properly without tears! had so much for dinner yesterday coz i could finally swallow without pain.

on another note altogether, my mysterious stranger has been spotted online more often in the recent days!

i just happened to look at my msn list... there are only 3 guys from my "Friends" group who are online now. it's not interesting that there are 3 guys online. it's who the 3 guys are which made me take a double look...

1st one: the mysterious stranger.
2nd one: the accidental fling.
3rd one: the guy who used to like me but now has to watch me fall in love with his best friend.

star light, star bright...
first star i see tonight...
i wish i may, i wish i might,
have this wish i wish tonight!

and i miss you so... will you ever know?

i miss him so much, i'm quite beside myself. what's wrong with me!!

lost for words...

some spots cannot be completely erased... some things were just meant to be left the way it is... some things were never meant to be said?

do you believe in first love? is it true then that first love cannot and will not be forgetten?

i'm so so so tired. sigh.

this little girl has a terrible terrible terrible weakness for shopping. a gucci bag and a ferragamo wallet 2 weeks ago... and then a YSL clutch yesterday evening.

sigh.

mysterious stranger is doing his thing again. disappearing on me. hmmm... why didn't i think of that before? mysterious stranger! how befitting. i shall call him that from now on. mysterious stranger.

there's a most annoying dull ache in my head the whole afternoon. faint. can't seem to get rid of it!

hmmm... i suddenly have this urge to go for a run... get that adrenaline rush... be hypnotized by the rhythmic left-right-left-right footsteps... the wind brushing past my face...

alternatively, i could just go home and watch sappy MTVS. after all, 'tis the season of love.

Hmmm…… I’m suddenly feeling really cynical. *shrugs* does it come with age? Maybe. I miss those days when the world was a harmless playground to me. These days, the world seems frightfully awful… full of disappointments, thorns which burst my little happy bubbles and I can’t seem to be able to see any light at the end of this tunnel!! What happened to the pretty flowers, sunshine, rainbows and butterflies? Where have they gone? See… this is why I choose to sleep. The world’s at peace when I’m sleeping. The world is whatever I make it out to be when I’m sleeping.

Hope is supposed to be good? I don’t think so. With hope comes anticipation. With anticipation comes the possibility of disappointment and disappointment is not good at all.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I did.

"dinner?"

heh. i never knew 1 word could make me so happy!

maybe i'll just disappear for awhile...

i'm having a major headache. probably from too much sleep. but i'm still sleepy! so so so tired...

want to go out for a long drive right now.

there are a million things running through my head.

falling in love is supposed to be simple. how did everything get so complicated?

i really need that holiday.

i'm feeling upset but i don't know why i'm upset. i just am. angry with the whole world. i want to sit and sulk and pout. this has to be pms.

i'm on some sort of shopping spree which needs to be stopped. i just bought 5 cds.

*shakes head*

i need to go shopping... buy lots of things to take my mind off other things! i want that ferragamo wallet. i want little black bag. and another white one. and another black bag for work. i want another LV bag. or maybe a chanel. i want the agnes b rose gold locket. i want a whole new wardrobe of clothes. i want to get more shoes. i want to perm my hair. i want to colour my hair. i want to chop off my hair.

i want to and i need to!

i want to take the next flight out of here. i need to get out of here. SIGH. it's not fun being sick and pmsing at the same time. it's the perfect recipe for total disaster!

i want to disappear for awhile. clear my head. clear my thoughts. don't want to think about anything. don't want to feel anything for anyone.

i want to runaway...

surprise surprise. i came to work before 9 this morning! and i even had time to have breakfast at home!

i couldn't sleep last night. didn't even sleep at all. don't know why. just couldn't fall alsepp. was super awake even though i shut my eyes. cramps were killing me. throat was irritating me. doctor didn't want to give me drowsy medication. i was damn tired but for some weird reason, i was wide awake! i was even mentally ticking off the hours... 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am, 6am, 7am. usually somewhere in between 3am and 4am, i would have drifted off to lala land but by 5am i was still wide awake. maybe there's something in my medicine that kept me awake all night! in the end, i decided to wake up at 7am and take my time to get ready.

yawn. i'm still tired but not sleepy. spacing out. slow motion. stoning.

i think there's no mahjong tomorrow. two weeks in a row!

bumped into his sister yesterday when i was on my way to the doctor's. what a coincidence. heh. i just stepped out of the station and into town and the first person i see is his sister.

je suis très malade!

i bought a pair of shoes during lunch. just a little something to ease the pain of going back to work. *sheepish grin*

back to work and not used to it at all! sigh. doesn't help that web messenger has been blocked. means no msn! sigh sigh sigh.

i took the extra effort to dress up for work today. hah. yeah i'm looking quite corporate... shirt and pants and all. the whole look! AND i actually came to work early! 920am!! just a few minutes before my boss. haha. not bad eh?

still sitting on my masters application... don't know if i should apply for it now. *shrugs*

damn my head is still spinning from the flu bug. ears still blocked. argh.

my brother's having a party at home tonight and i didn't even know about it! tsk. house parties are fun but such a chore!! the mess i have to deal with at the end of the party!! all that clean up. *faint* i'm not made for housework. which is why i haven't had any house party even though i thought about it a couple of times. the after party mess just spoils all the fun. hmmm maybe i'll have a house party this year. we'll see.

and it's the NEW YEAR!!! FINALLY!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!