i miss my grandma. :( i love how i used to sit next to her in the kitchen while she cooked and eat the food the minute it was ready... especially the love letters!! and the bah zhangs. i miss how she used to wait for me after school, sitting in the garden with my grandfather. sigh!

pms sucks. it's like being dragged on some roller coaster ride of emotions. only i don't know what's next.

so... i succumbed and went ahead with clicking and making the purchase.

detachment is an art.

1, 2, 3, 4

There's only 1 thing, 2 do, 3 words, 4 you.
There's only 1 way, 2 say, those 3 words and that's what I'll do.

i've come to realise that guys are jealous and territorial creatures. okay, not exactly come to realise. i knew it long ago. it's just getting more apparent. you may no longer be dating them but when they see you with another guy, they question. what's up. and it's not even like immediately ask me who's the friend. it's like after many hours then rake it up, out of nowhere. then they disappear with another girl. .... wtf.
i don't like to be questioned by people who don't have a right to ask questions. people who choose to suddenly mia do not have a right to question my choice of friends. only one person has the right to ask me questions now. if he chooses to ask questions, i can perfectly understand. but not anyone else. tsk.

The parents are quite haps. It's sat night and i want to sleep in but instead, they went to get tix for a midnight show and told me to go watch with them.

Killing time in between interviews by NOT shopping is sure not easy. Hah. The afternoon sun is so blazing hot... Makes me wish i was at home. I can't decide if my throbbing head is coz of the sun or coz of the 2hrs worth of tests i had to sit through just now. Ugh. Most brain activity since the longest time. Now i'm all zoned out. Plus i'm hungryyyyyy.

guys kiss and tell and share their "conquests"?! tsk. seriously?! ugh. i am truly disgusted.

what does it mean?

if dreams are supposed to mean something, then what does this mean?

i had the worse nightmare ever. like really ever ever. at first i couldn't wake up from the dream and when i finally did, my heart was beating so fast, i was covered with cold sweat and i couldn't stop crying, for almost an hour. yes, it was that bad. the nightmare itself probably doesn't even sound scary but i was terrified. waking up shaking with fear kind of terrified. it has never happened to me before. and i don't know why i couldn't stop crying even when i woke up.

so in the dream, or nightmare, or whatever, i was trapped in a building complex. i took an elevator down, got into a cab and then realised i didn't have anything in my bag. no wallet, no money, no nothing. so i asked the cab driver to turn back. i got off the cab, it was raining heavily, somehow. don't know why. but anyway, i got off the cab and back to the building to get my wallet. but when i got there, i couldn't find my way back to the apartment. i was lost. there were more lifts now then when i left the building. there were all these alphabets and numbers but i couldn't find my apartment. it was like i was stuck in a maze. the lifts were random. there was no structure and i couldn't find my way. so i got into one lift, the lift which i thought was the one i came down earlier from but i couldn't find the floor i wanted to go. there wasn't any number. the lifts were weird. it had random floor numbers. and it was odd. odd random floor numbers. and the lifts had weird guys. i couldn't get out. i was trapped. then i started to panic. i know i was going to be late for the interviews. then i don't know how come i thought i got the days and times wrong. i didn't know which day it was. like was it 12hrs before/after. the more i tried to figure it out, the more confused i got. (this is probably the crazy jet lag kicking in) and i panicked even more. but i couldn't get out of the building. i was trapped. there was some sort of map but that didn't make any sense either. and then at some point, i knew i was dreaming. it wasn't real. all i had to do was wake up. but i couldn't wake up. i was just stuck in the building, running around in circles, getting in and out of lifts that brought me to nowhere. it didn't matter which lift i got into or which floor i pressed coz when then lift doors opened, i was right back where i started! there was no one around to help me. there were only weird freaky people. i wanted to wake up and get out but i simply couldn't! finally somehow i jumped up and found myself in tears and all and shaking really badly. :(

so what does this mean?

i have a theory. the person you love the most will be the same person who hurts you the most. the one who makes you smile the most will also be the one whom you will end up crying over the most.

but like they all say, the world's a stage. so put on a mask, smile and go face the world. lights on. take a deep breath. smile. and go hide behind that mask. coz feelings make you vulnerable. coz feelings can break you. coz feelings messes with your head. coz feelings make you irrational. coz feelings can hurt. coz feelings are real.

i used to think that all the up times made all the down times worth it (even if the downs outnumbered the ups)... but sometimes i wonder if we should all just crawl back into the shell and hide. with no ups, there will be no downs. isn't that better? am i losing the fairytale ending? i'm the idealistic girl. the one who believs in happily ever after, regardless of all the crap that has been thrown in my face. i still believe in love. i believe there's this one person who can make you smile and make your heart melt. this one person can light up your face. this one person can right all the wrongs. just a simple hug and everything will be alright. this one very special person. but i also forget that this one very special person could also be be the one who will end up hurting me. i always forget. i never learn. coz i only choose to see the good. i choose to take the happy times and forget the pain. coz a simple hug can right all the wrongs. coz that hug can make everything bad go away. that hug is all it takes. i'm idealistic like that. i fall in love. i smile. i cry. i pick myself up and love again. i never learn. i don't want to be jaded. i want to believe there's still a happy ending out there, even if it's really somewhere far far away out there. there is still a happy ending waiting. it's my happy bubble. nothing can burst that.