how horrid can you get!!! buying my present then giving them away! *scowls*

no mood to study. mind's flooded with a zillion other whimsical thoughts.

why must i have exams on the eve of eve of christmas! tsk. stupid school. who has exams during the christmas week!

i haven't even had time to do my christmas shopping!

i'm fighting consciousness to attempt to study my spanish. eyelids getting heavier by the second... *yawn* the only thing that's keeping me awake is the fact that tomorrow's wednesday and exam's on thursday. and also the brutal truth that there's lots to study and lots of vocab and verbs to memorise...

poor me... who ever said there was holiday!

still thinking of names for my baby hamsters. heh they are the cutest little furballs!!! all they ever seem to do is sleep! gee. i thought hamsters were nocturnal. mine seem to sleep 22 hrs of the day. they wake up for like 10mins to eat and next thing you see them curled up and fast asleep. hahaha. silly little hamsters! got them a wheel but do you know what they did? they sniffed at it for awhile before getting on to it and... yeah, you guess it. they curled up and slept again. *shakes head*

i'm definitely getting from bad to worse. my spanish exam's on thursday and i haven't started studying.

*yawn* i'm sleepy already...

andrew baby and i got 2 little baby hamsters from a friend. heee they are the cutest little things!! only 3 weeks old and they are so active!!! oohh... soooo cute!! hehehe

mighty irritable. but i'm probably just pmsing.

just a word of caution: if you can't get off my nerves it would be a better idea to leave me alone or i might just snap at you.

my first A after almost 4 years!

WHOOOPEEEDOOOPEEEDOOP!!!! I GOT A FOR LAW!!!!! WHOOOHOOOO!!!!! *dances around the room* this is the first A i see after almost 4 years!!!! hahaha the last A i got was at A levels. how miserable!

i just sent a sobsob-and-very-helpless-damsel-in-distress email to my FYP supervisor. *fingers crossed*

but seriously, i have really no idea what to do! who's going to save me from this one? gee, what was i even thinking when i wanted to do protein structures and dna!

haha i thought of poem while i was sleeping but totally forgot about it this morning when i woke up. what a pity, coz i felt that it was a good poem! hahaha bleh. laugh all you want.

attempting to start on my FYP... but in vain! staring at my reading material but they all look like gibberish to me. *sigh* i have not the faintest idea what i am supposed to do!

good the rain has stopped. it better NOT start all over again. i could use a little drizzle but not a downpour.

flipping channels but there's nothing watch worthy. i want to watch Bridget Jones' Diary 2. and Ocean's 12. and the very much recommended Closer.

somebody should get me out of my house before i go crazy doing nothing. either that or i might just faint from hunger. which ever happens first.

getting more irritable by the second!

hungry hungry hungry HUNGRY! *pouts*

stupid rain. wished it would stop long enough for me to get into a cab.

i have a good mind to ask him if he wants to come over and get the car and drive me around. only that he's probably with the gf right now. pfftt.

this is absurd. i wished i had bothered to take lessons and get a driving license! ggrrrr... but then again, why do you need a license to drive? those people on the road have licesnes but still can't drive for nuts.

i think she'd take the next flight back to singapore. ha ha ha.

ok i am so bored.

or maybe i could just drive it out. which do you think would seem more appealing to her?

do you think mummy will freak out if i asked her if i could get someone to drive her car to drive me around?

the car's outside but i can't drive. how brilliant. and it's still pouring. and i'm still hungry.

oh bother. now it's pouring. that effectively means i'm pretty much stuck at home. bugger.

how do expect me not to be upset?

sometimes i sit and wonder what am i doing... i know it's worth it but it's going no where. for now at least.

home alone. all alone. daddy, mummy and my brother are holidaying in China. with the rest of my cousins, aunties and uncles. didn't want to go so here i am, all alone at home. and i'm hungry. *upset* there's no food. and i don't wanna walk out to buy coz it's so hot.

i wanna watch a movie. it's been so long since i last watched a movie at the cinema.

nothing ever seems to make sense... if everything happens for a reason, will i ever know the reason?

for a moment back there, i was the happiest girl in the whole universe and i thought, hey, this is my happy fairytale ending. it's my dream come true. then the bubble burst. *pop*

gucci was having a sale over the weekend... saw the bag i'm so in love with. but then the queue was so long i didn't go in. anyway, if it's any consolation, even after a 50% discount, the bag would still have been a little too pricey. *shrugs* oh oh oh. saw this other bag at miss sixty. it was the cutest little denim bag i ever saw. guess the price. $191. *sigh* what can i say? i have expensive taste...

hahahah nel nel darling! paris and nicole indeed! heee

NTU and NUS have decided to increase school fees by 5% to "meet costs". WHAT costs. pfft. those lecturers in NTU can be sent back to china and india. now, that would cut lots of costs!

hey, wait a minute! that increase in the school fees can get me that Gucci bag! *humph*

i added a red streak in my hair yesterday!!! heeee

everyone wants to know who's the one who managed to tame this wild child and make her change so much. heh

more i wants...

i spied with my two little eyes...

• this little diamond cross i saw at Sookee. it's so adorably pretty! it's made out of 6 diamonds;
• and then there's this awesome new fragrance Stella, by Stella McCartney (is that how you spell her name?);
• AND a sling bag from Gucci. ooh this is love at first sight. but at $930, its a pricey love too;

i want...

• a mini iPod;
• a princess cut diamond ring (i like my rings simple and classy *wink*);
• a pretty party dress (don't know what for. just want it);
• one of those chi chi handbags that i'd probably never use;
• a pair of super sexy strappy stilettos;
• the Gucci shades that i've been wanting forever but never found a reason to get them;
• a pair of running shoes;
• another pair of heels;
• another bag;
• a Tiffany ring/bracelet (i just want to receive something in that blue box);
• a solitaire cut diamond ring;
• reddish pink streaks in my hair;
• my project to be done, somehow;
• to party real hard (something i haven't done in months...);
• a holiday. to anywhere. but i can only go for short trips so thailand or bintan will have to suffice;

but right now, more than anything else, i need FOOD! i'm so hungry... :(

me and my little dilemma...

mummy already got the tix for me to go to Perth... leaving on 27 dec and will only be back on 5 jan. but then i have to do my project. interim report's due on the 10th of jan and i still haven't started on my project. how to do the report like that! sigh. should i still go ahead? i really need a break. sick and tired of being here. how how how how! even though there's nothing much to do in perth, it's still out of singapore. besides my auntie is there, so i don't have to get a hotel. and mummy wouldn't be half as worried that i'm there alone too. and i've been there so many times, i know my way around. guess i could go horse riding everyday or just head down to the beaches. *grin* and get an awesome tan! hehe

how how how! to go or not to go?

and so i braved the weekend crowds and actually headed down to town to meet my parents and my brother. gee. BIG mistake. there were so many people, i immediately wished i was back in bed the moment i got off the cab! tsk. and as i made my way from CK Tang to Taka, countless people pissed me off. little kids were getting into my path, people were shoving around, and there was always someone in my face! all that while i was trying to maintain a sense of dignity and poise in my 3-inch heels. (the heels were a big mistake too. and i always make this kind of stupid mistake. wearing heels out and then regretting it 5 mins later as i am walking out of the house) it was a scene of chaos! suddenly the world seemed to start closing in on me and for a moment, i thought i was going to have a panic attack. luckily i made it to taka in 1 piece and without screaming at anyone. not to say i didn't give any of my irritated glares.

i haven't been shopping for so long, i almost forgot the joy it gives me! so for old time's sake, i bought a little black bag. i probably wouldn't be needing it though. but who cares?! *wink* wanted to buy more but couldn't find anything else to get. didn't walk for long coz my heels were killing me. it's been a long time since i wore them.

the diamond rings looked enticing. besides, one of them was pretty cheap! only $199. but the diamond was puny. 0.12 carat. (looks more than that though!) i know elaine will kill me if i bought that. to her, anything less than 0.5 carat is not worth it. that's my gal. hahaha! i decided i like the princess cut too. it's so pretty!!! the squarishness of the diamond. *grin* there was one which i particularly liked at goldheart. simple yet spectacular. oooh there are so many pretty dresses and outfits that i wanted to get but there was no occassion for me to wear them. *sigh* there was this dreamy light yellow top and skirt from Song + Kelly. oooh.. it was so fairy-like! the skirt was short, soft and flirty; the top was so sweet. *in love* didn't bother to look at the price. hahaha. and then there are the denim jackets. i think in time to come, i will be unable to resist the temptation and get one of it. it's so sexy! gosh.

and as much as Levi's jeans are starting to work its appeal on me, i think i will still stick by wanting to be the only gal who does NOT own a pair of Levi's. it's so common and every other gal is seen wearing it. pfft. i will spend $150 on a pair of FCUK jeans, but will not buy a Levi's. so there! oh, speaking of FCUK jeans, i need a belt. hahaha coz my jeans are too loose. insisted on getting them even though it was so loose coz i absolutely loved the rainbows on the pockets. silly me. (but i think i was in a bad mood that day too and just wanted to buy something) heh. *shrugs* oh well. i've learnt my lesson. never go shopping alone when i'm in a bad mood and when i have money. i really will buy anything, everything!

now that i've been reminded of how much joy shopping can bring me, i'm going again on monday afternoon! when there are less people in the shops. *grin* and on mummy's credit card. isn't that the most awesome? *wink*

but for now, i'm going to lay down my little sleepy head... *yawn* it's been a long day... goodnight!

pfft. guess the hp probably died or something. reminds me of the time a certain someone went MIA for a whole day and i couldn't get him. got me worried for the whole day while he was merrily sleeping after going to the gym. tsk.

they say the only thing that's certain is uncertainty itself. i say the only thing that doesn't change with time is guys. be it decades, centuries and milleniums after, they are still the same. and will be the same.

i think i know why some people like to watch "A Kindred Spirit"... i was flipping channels just now and came across that show. as there was nothing else worth watching on cable, i decided to just watch that show. then an ephipany hit me. it's those kind of feel good show... like there's this good family and everything always ends well for them. while the bad guys always get exposed. brings hope to people, i guess. oh but one thing doesn't seem to change. there will always be a jealous, insecure guy. the one who's suspicious and jealous of everything and his wife just because he's insecure.

bah. i better get changed and head down to town before i decide to fall right back into bed...

oh bother. just as when i was saying i want to bum at home and not go down to town coz it's probably crawling with people, daddy called and asked me meet them in town. bleh. there goes my evening lazing on the sofa, in front of the telly. and here i was, still thinking of crawling right back into bed. *yawn*

come to think of it, there's nothing i want to get. i've actually lost all zest and energy to do shopping! *gasp* what has become of me? i'm reduced to a lazy bum who's contented with staying within this 4 walls, sleeping, watching movies, eating and simply just spending time in my own little world!

isn't it wonderful being in our own world? nothing else matters. nothing can hurt me.

the picture has been staring right back at me for the past few hours... *sigh*

i'm a little hungry... haven't eaten my lunch... gee this bout of flu really has gotten my appetite! my meals are all haywired and i'm not eating well... perfectly explains the weight loss. a few weeks ago, everytime someone saw me, he/she would comment that i've put on weight. now they are all saying i've lost weight drastically. heh.

funny how when i can sleep, i can't get to sleep. was slipping into lala land during the morning bit of spanish class so i decided to skip the afternoon one to come back and lay down my little sleepy head. but i haven't slept a wink the whole afternoon! instead i've been watching movies. tsk.

just watched The Stepford Wives. i know. like after forever. so i haven't had the time to watch it! bleh. the stepford wives are so perfect. no, they seem so prefect. look so perfect. pretty, blonde, submissive, obedient, organised and brainwashed. every guy's dream gal, i suppose. every gal's nightmare? probably. you'd never see yourself as a submissive wife, would you? but then i'm sure the stepford wives don't feel hurt or anger or frustration or anything of that sort.

"Can they say 'I love you'?"
"Sure. In 58 languages"
"But do they mean it?"

comes with not being able to feel eh? maybe perfection is not everything. being too prefect is imperfection itself? yeah? don't you think? maybe sometimes we all need that little something to spruce up our lives? else we'd just be robots. the stepford husbands and the stepford wives. in the stepford world. oh so perfect. tsk. it's impossible. even robots go crazy.

but you've got to admit that living in a little perfect world does seem a little appealing in its own ways... *grin*

i absolutely can't wait to go shopping. it's been MONTHS! too long!

and i need to calm my nerves...

i'm bursting! went to newton to eat dinner. had carrot cake, satay, hokkien prawn mee, sambal stingray, chilli sotong and fish porridge. between 2 people. phew. what a feast! i haven't ate this much in a week coz appetite's been bad since i fell ill.

whoohoo! i'm so full!!!!! and contented and satisfied! hahaha

it's hurting. and it's hurting so bad...

i'm going to run. have to get out. i'm going crazy just sitting down here.

everything that i've sacrificed... do you realise?

where am i heading? it's so tiring walking aimlessly. i want to sit down.

what am i waiting for? do you know? coz i don't. i'm tired. i've got this whole bag of emotions and i don't know what to do with it...

i do NOT recall ever being this unsure about myself and insecure about something. i have always gotten what i want. and i always know what's going to happen. but i can't say the same for now.

this whole thing is unnerving me and i don't know how much longer i can deal with this new found feeling.

feels a little weird not having to study. hahaha it's like there's nothing to do. and i'm weirdly free. well, i'm not exactly free. i have my project to do. but that's a whole different issue and i'm not going to think about it.

so as i was saying, heee.... it feels weird not having to study. it's like before exams, i've got tonnes of work to do and notes to read then suddenly, overnight, its like *poof* all the work's done and gone. okay, maybe not all done, but it's gone alright! *grin*

it's almost 4pm and i just woke up. *yawn* i'm such a bag of lazy bones. i slept at 10pm yesterday... yup, that's like about 18hrs again... *most innocent look* hehehe. this is what i call guilt-free sleeping. you sleep and sleep and you don't have to worry about waking up to a pile of work awaiting your attention. this is sleep at its best!

it's most annoying to be sick AND pmsing at the same time. the WHOLE WORLD just irritates you and everyone seems to be getting on your nerves. but worse than that is having exams at the same time. beat that. pmsing while you're sick. AND still have to study for exams. that's got the be the ultimate lethal combination. never never ever cross the path of a woman like that. don't say you weren't warned.

well, the exams bit is long gone for me. and i want to go shopping. but i'm still feeling sick. which is starting to irk me coz i really reallly wanna go shopping!!! *pouts*

exams are over but i still can't play. how torturing can this get? and see, now i'm going to be piled high above my head with work again. JUST when i saw the rainbow, the work comes crashing down on me. AGAIN. spanish classes have started and i really have to get cracking on that final year project of mine. i have no complains about spanish. pretty much enjoying it. just dreading the project. i'm still refusing to get started on it though i have to, sooner or later. (later and not sooner, if i had it my way!)

i do NOT want to do that project.
i do NOT understand the source codes.
i do NOT know how to program.
i do NOT understand what is going on.
and i do NOT want to read about it! interesting as it might be, DNA and protein strings do NOT make any sense to me!!

what i WANT to do is get well and go on a shopping spree.

The Fastest Weight Loss Program

wanna know what's the fastest and most efficient weight loss program? just fall sick. yup. no need for strict diets or sweating your guts out and running till your legs break. just get the flu bug.

i lost 4 kg in 4 days. amazing huh? before i fell sick, my weight was steadily increasing by the week. almost 1kg/week. well, with suppers every night and snacking while studying, it's not much of a surprise... (i was thinking of starting to run again after exams to shed those fats... heh)

then i fell sick. and i saw the needle on the weighing machine move to the left by 1 point every day. it's so scary, seeing my weight drop like that... even scarier than seeing it go up. hahaha!

now, i've effectively lost all the weight i put on since this semester and more.

the only things i ever did today was sleep, eat dinner, watch tv and play solitaire showdown...

pfftt. my exams are over but the rest are still having theirs!

i wanna go out and play but my legs are jellified from all the sleep i had today. only woke up at 630pm *sheepish grin* a absolutely heavenly undisturbed sleep of 18 hours! noooppee i'm not a pig. it's making up for the sleep i did not have during exams! so there! bleh! would have lazed in bed the whole day if mummy didn't wake me up for dinner.

my legs still feel cramped and lifeless... must be the sleep. i almost fell down the stairs after i got out of bed coz my legs still sleeping. *glares* DON'T LAUGH! *pouts* don't be so mean. i almost fell down the stairs and all you do is laugh at me!

i wanna go out!!!!!!!! i wished my nose would stop running. wished my throat wouldn't hurt. wished my ears weren't blocked. wished i was out shopping. wished i was out with my friends. wish i was in bed. think i'm going back to bed. *grin*

lala land, here i come!

a birthday is actually a day like any other...

had a pleasant surprise today when i came home. a parcel was sitting on the table, waiting for me to open it. with excited fingers, i swiftly tore the package to reveal its contents: a dark washed denim mini. from jason. how sweet! and it's a perfect fit! it's just the design that i've been looking for. heee. thank you, jason dear! *hugs*

exams are finally over and i ought to be delighted. but why don't i feel that way?

was just packing my cupboard in hall and discovered that 2 of my fav black bags got mouldy. don't know HOW on earth it became mouldy anyway. yucks. so i have to throw it away. *heartbreak* those are my favourite bags. *sniffle* one's my clubbing little black bag and the other, a knitted sling bag, i had since secondary school... sigh.

sometimes, the ones closest to you let you down the most.

today's just not my day. everything's wrong. geez, what a birthday...

the fever comes and goes. was ok this morning. and now my head's burning again. i didn't even realise i was having a fever coz my whole body is so hot. so when i touch my own forehead, it seems the same temperature to me. yet at the same time i feel so so so cold.

this is most agonizing. one moment i'm shivering. the next i'm pespiring.

feel like taking a cold shower to bring down the temperature but i dare not. i'm afraid it will make things worse. even when i just wash my hands, i'd start to feel cold all over... =(

*sigh* this bout of hot and cold is driving me crazy. i'm feeling so cold my nails are all blue...

... idling again... don't wanna study... wanna play solitaire showdown but no one seems to be free. =(

think i feel slightly better after sleeping. but still a little drowsy. no mood to study. HRM and Entrepreuneurship. my last paper. what i read seems like commmon sense to me. but i can't remember. how how how?

can't wait for thursday.. why does it seem forever? i hope i get well by thursday. don't wanna be sick on my birthday!

just in case you forgot, my birthday is on 18th November. but i'm sure you all remembered. how can you forget such an important date right? ;)

i just walked out of my exam hall. finished the 2 1/2 hr paper in 1 1/2.

my nose is running non stop and my throat hurts. head still throbbing and feverish. stupid doctor didn't give me antibiotics or lozenges. just gave panadol, cough and some other pills. *rolls eyes*

head's throbbing and feels so feverish. my hands and legs are icy cold. i'm pespiring and shivering at the same time. coughing my lungs out and sneezing non stop. and i feel like puking... what's happening to me?

i'm so tired, yet i can't sleep. i have a paper later and the last one on thursday. can't study coz all i want to do is lie in bed...

it's all in the mind, isn't it? mind over matter? so if i think cold, i will actually feel cooler?

ok i'll try that then. *takes a deep breath* it's cold it's cold it's cold it's cold

nah. not working. still hot. humph.

Goldheart is having a sale. but it ends today. *pouts* everywhere is having sale!!!! *grumbles* i wanna go shopping!!! now now now now now!! but i'm cooped up in my hall. how miserable. haven't seen the lights of town for what seems like eternitiy now! mmmm 2 months? probably.

yay!! i heard a rumble. THUNDER!!! *boom* it means it's going to rain! muahahah. hurry hurry hurry rain rain rain rain!!! i'm so baked already!!!

i'm just refusing to study. hence my endless ranting in here. *mischevious grin*

well, it's simply too hot to study. it's hardly condusive at all!

there's this pregnant girl on my floor. it's amazing how she can still go to school and study with that bulge. don't you think it's just jaw-dropping? shouldn't pregnant ladies be at home resting? or enjoying life? anything but study!

and the flight of stairs that she has to climb everyday!!! gee. i counted the number of stairs that i have climb before i get to my room. the number is about 120. it's enough to leave me breatheless halfway up! what about her! she has an extra load too!

and then there's the canteen food. it's hardly fit for human consumption! how nutritious can it be for a mummy-to-be? *frowns*

i'm simply in awe.

tsktsk time seems to be crawling during exams!!! is thursday ever ever coming???!! after what seems like eternity, it's still only monday. pfftt!!!

the stupid weather is terribly hot! hot and heavy air! argh. i want an ice bath this instant! so hot so hot so hot so hot SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm melting. then i'll evaporate. then there'll be no more me..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JASON DARLING!!!!

my head's throbbing. ouch! *sobs*

and today's the end of my much dreaded exam marathon! *takes a deep breath* ahhh... 2 more papers next week and that's it! yeahhhhh!!!!!!! can't wait.

today's paper was amusing. all the questions that i figured wouldn't come out did just the opposite of what i thought! well it wasn't the most difficult paper but i was just doodling away. heh. just wanted to burst out laughing. it's got to be a joke right? *raises eyebrow* since when did i become so nonchalant towards exams? i used to be terribly upset if i couldn't do a paper. but now its like *shrugs* hahaha! uh huh. that's my exact reaction for the papers i couldn't do.

best paper to date has got to be law! just goes to show that i'm meant for law and nothing else! seriously contemplating taking another degree after i'm done with computer engineering!

i'm half way through my exams... 3 gone and 3 more to go. tomorrow marks the end of my exam marathon. heh 4 papers in 5 days. the only break i have in between the papers is sunday, today. the person who plans exam timetables ought to be shot a zillion times over. my next paper is 1 week away! tsk..

sometimes i feel like i'm on a roller coaster. lots of ups and downs. only i never know when the next dive is coming. you make me. you break me too...

how can something so wrong feel so right?

whoopee doop! one paper over!

i absoutely love open book exams! at least i can apply directly from textbook even though i didn't study it! *grin* i think ALL exams should be open book!

it's effectively exactly 19 hours more to my AI paper and i'm only at tutorial 6. 5 more tutorials to go and then there's the past year papers to go through too...

why do i feel an unusual sense of calmness? my head's throbbing though. must be from the lack of sleep.. only slept 4 hours. :*( a record for me, coz my usual's at least 9 hours.. sigh..

yipee yipee yay yay yay!! i finished studying for law! finsihed 1 subject! yeah!!!!!!!!!!

Artificial Intelligence is the day after tomorrow.. *sniffles* will attempt the tutorials now.. sigh..

tug of war

it's a constant struggle every morning to pull myself out of bed. my head is usually all alert and screams "wake up wake up!!!" but my eyelids refuse to open and my body refuses to budge too. really! my eyelids just refuse to open. it's as if they are clammed shut!

how? see, i'm willing to study but my body is so tired... sigh..

it's raining again.. even the skies cry at the thought of my impending slaughter in the examination hall...

stressed stressed stressed!!!!!! *tugs at hair*

first paper is 2 days away and i havent done the tutorials for it. the following papers are equally screwed. heeeelllppp!!

*blink blink*

come on, shoot me NOW! *faints*

you always seem to be able to read my mind. so do you really know what i want?...

don't wanna think about it. i'm dreading the day that it happens.. *sigh* though i guess if it really does happen, i know i will get through it. somehow, once again, i find myself in the same predicament.

and i'm free... free falling...

is just my imagination or are my exams really in 3 days time?

pinch me.

as it draws nearer to exams, the inertia to study acutally becomes stronger.

i'm so sure of that! it's got to be the latest law.

ooooohhhh i feel sooooo loved!!! mummy cooked curry chicken and sent it all the way up to my hall. yummmyyyy!!!

*burp* delicious!

i love my mummy!!!

thank you for looking after me and fussing over me to make sure i'm ok... *hugs* =)

sorry if i'm making you worry.

*nursing a spinning head*

everything is spinning.... my hands are shaking... hungry yet no appetite coz my tum tum's churning like a washing machine...

tsk. i wasn't even drunk last night, why am i feeling like this!

i'm so gone. just came back from phuture. it's such a weird night. saw my young one and the fling's "twin". all in 1 night. yikes man.

oh and i met a super duper cute thai guy. danced with him for abit but i can't remember what happened. i probably left halfway. can't remember. i'm so gone...

i think i'm going to crash now....

argh. i seriously don't know what's wrong with me! my concentration span's all of like 5 minutes. then... the next thing i know, i open up my eyes and it's a few hours later. *yawns* i've been drifting in and out of sleep the past few weeks. tsk. there HAS to be sleeping powder sprinkled all over my notes. i'm so positively sure of it! coz everytime i read my notes, i start to feel terribly terribly sleepy.. *yawn* see, now even the very thought of it makes me sleepy. the effect of the sleeping powder! geez.

exams are... *gasps* *BIG EYES* oh no. it can't possibly be!!! 14 days away??!!!! *heart attack* OMG!! it's nearer than i realised. *gulps* i feel faint...

but i'm not studying properly! it's so ineffcient and unproductive. i can spend the whole day at the same page. wake up at that page. and when i go to sleep, it's stll at the same page. you get the drift.

don't know what's the matter with me this sem. just can't seem to study. probably it's the industrial attachment. after 6 months of working, i forgot how to study. heh. yeah, that must be it!

oh i found a new correlation between stress and studying. no stress --> don't feel the need to study. and if i don't study, i wouldn't feel pressurised and stressed. ahh. there! see. it all makes perfect sense. ;)

yipee yipee yay yay!! it's raining!! like FINALLYY!!!! i've been melting under the heat forever!

Secret Conversations

this is going to be a long entry but i felt that it's something i wanted to share. was just doing my QT (after centuries... sigh) and it happened to be about the secret conversations we have with ourselves. how appropriate when we all seem to be questioning our self-worth and our abilities. and i quote from my QT material:

The Bible is very clear about who is prompting us to tell ourselves internal lies. In fact, Jesus Himself cleared up all the confusion on this issue by calling Satan, not only a “liar” but the “Father of lies” (John 8:44). Satan’s goal is to sabotage the work of God in the world and to undermine what God is doing in the lives of people. The Evil One starts his work in the heart because, as Proverbs 4:23 says. “Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”

We need to increase our awareness of what we’re saying to ourselves all day long in the areas of self-worth, personal competency and spiritual matters. Whenever we sense we are having an internal dialogue about these critical matters, we need to ask ourselves about the origin of these thoughts and conversations. When they are lies, we know they come from the Enemy and we must resist them. On the other hand, truthful thoughts are from God and we must respond to them.

"Secret Conversations About Your Self-Worth"
Your secret conversations about your own worth or value are enormously important. If we could put an electronic listening device on some people, we might hear something like: “Everybody looks so normal and happy. What’s the matter with me? Why don’t I feel happy? Why can’t I be more relaxed and secure? It’s because I’m not attractive, bright and witty like everyone else. And I’m certainly not as spiritual. Face it, I don’t measure up. I really don’t matter at all.”

Many conversations like this happen in the minds of people throughout the day. In fact some people experience steady streams of self-talk that denigrate their self-worth day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. These conversations are not benign banterings; rather like a deadly cancer, they can take a dreadful toll.

Contrast the above conversation with the private conversation going on in someone else’s mind: “I live my day among countless people and yet the God of the Universe is thinking of me each moment. He knows my name. The hairs of my head are numbered. He enjoys my fellowship, prayers and worship. He delights in me as I walk with Him. I can feel His smile as I seek to follow Him each day.” Can you hear the difference? One conversation ends in defeat and discouragement, the other in praise and celebration. When we think this way, it’s easy to see how our secret conversations about our self-worth have a powerful impact on our lives.

The Bible is the final word on the subject of our personal worth. No matter what value your parents, relatives, teachers, friends or even you put on yourself, the ultimate reality is the value God places on you! The Bible is full of truth about how much you matter to God. In Psalms 56 we read, in effect, “O Lord, You take notice of my walk and You notice of my wanderings and You keep record of each of my tears.” This is God’s way of saying there is immeasurable value placed on each one of us. There’s not a road you travel or a tear you cry the He doesn’t take note of.

Isaiah 43:1-2 says, “But now, this is what the Lord says – he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” God says that we are the crown of His creation and we matter more to Him than we could ever dream.

God treasures your uniqueness. He dreams of enabling you to become more than you could ever be without Him. You matter to Him.

"Secret Conversations about Spiritual Matters"
As in personal matters, self-talk can also flow freely, and often unconsciously, in the area of spiritual matters. The importance of spiritual self-talk cannot be overemphasized. The quality of your life – and perhaps your destiny – hinges upon your private conversations and the subsequent conclusions you come to in those internal dialogues.

Some people talk to themselves with real honesty. They say, “I know I have sinned against God and have made a mess of my life. I also know that I am lost without a Savior to make things right between me and God.” These people cry out, “Jesus, thank You for giving Your whole life for me. You have offered me a new beginning and forgiveness for all my sins. Without You, I am lost, and because of You, I have been found.” This is the most important private conversation we can ever have.

Others fight the truth and continue to tell themselves lies. They say, “There is no God. There is no heaven or hell. I won’t be ever judged for the life I lived and the decisions I have made.” Sometimes they even try to comfort themselves by saying, “If there is a God and heaven, I’m sure things will work out in the end. I’ve been a pretty good person.” These private conversations are can be more costly than most people ever dream. They are secret lies which keep people from recognizing their need for a Savior.

When we meet God face-to-face, the truth will come out. There will be no lies, no distortions, and no deceit. The truth will be known. And when the truth comes out, those who fought the truth will realize how wrong they were. The high price of those lies they told themselves during this life will cost them an eternity in hell.

The Truth About Girls...

1. When a girl says she's sad, but she isn't crying, it means she's crying in her heart.

2. When she ignores you after you've done something wrong, it's best to give her some time to cool down before touching her heart with an apology.

3. A girl can't find anything to hate about the guy she loves (which is why it is so hard for her to 'get over him' after the relationship's over.)

4. If a girl loves a guy, he will always be on her mind every minute of the day, even though she flirts with other guys.

5. When the guy she likes smiles and stares deep into her eyes, she will melt.

6. A girl likes to hear compliments, but usually is not sure how to react to them.

7. When a particular guy flirts with a girl very often, a girl would start thinking the guy likes her. So if you treat a girl just as a friend, go easy on the smiles and stare ok?

8. If you don't like a girl who likes you, break it to her gently.

9. If a girl starts avoiding you after you reject her, leave her alone for a while. If you still treat her as a friend, talk to her.

10. Girls enjoy talking about what they feel. Music, poetry, drawings and writing are ways of expressing themselves (which explains why most girls like writing journals).

11. Never tell a girl that she is useless in any way.

12. Being too serious can turn a girl off.

13. When the guy she likes calls her for the first time, the girl may act uninterested during the call. But as soon as the phone is back on the hook, she will whoop with joy and immediately start telephoning her friends to spread the news.

14. A smile means a lot to a girl.

15. If you like a girl, try making friends with her first. Let her get to know you.

16. If a girl says she can't go out with you because she has to study, leave.

17. But if she still calls you or expect a call from you, stay.

18. Don't try to guess a girl's feelings. Ask her.

19. Hearing the words "I love you" is a great reassurance to a girl that she is beautiful.

20. After a girl falls in love with a guy, she'll wonder why she never noticed him before.

21. If you need tips on how to flirt with a girl, read romance stories.

22. When class pictures come out, a girl would first check who is standing next to her crush before actually looking at herself.

23. A girl's ex-crush will always be in her memory, but the guy she loves now stays in her heart.

24. Girls love having fun!

25. A simple 'Hi' can brighten a girl's day.

26. A girl's best friends usually know best what she is feeling and going through.

27. Girls hate it when a guy pays attention to them just to get close to their 'prettier' friend.

28. Love means devotion, caring and happiness to a girl, in that order.

29. Some girls care about looks, some care about brains, but ALL girls want a guy who will love and care for them.

30. Girls want nothing more than to feel loved.

maybe, just maybe, i ought to build that wall around me again. the very wall that i tore down, even before it was finished. look what it has got me into.

why does everything else seem more interesting than my books? my concentration span is like for all of 5 minutes. *rolls eyes* what IS wrong with me! this sem is like the worst worst ever. it just gets worse every semester. yikes. i think after awhile, you develop an immunity to certain things. yeah, this probably explains why i feel no pressure. i've become immuned to exams.

it's a terrible feeling, walking into the exam hall, knowing that you're going to be butchered. and you can almost see the smirk on the lecturers' faces. i so want to wipe that smirk off!! over the years, you learn not to be bothered. you can see the difference between the year ones and the final year students. when you're in year 1, you walk into the exam hall, hopeful and filled with excitment and anticipation. BUT as the years wear on, over exams after exams, you know what's going to happen once you step in.

ever wondered why you had to pay school fees when you don't go for lessons? seriously, ever since the first year, i hardly attended lectures/tutorials. and i'm not the only one. makes you stop and ponder for a minute, what are the school fees for! why don't i just register as a private candidate! that's how useless the lecturers are. they are not doing a good job. except for a handful, the rest cant teach to save their lives. the chinamen and indians cant pronounce properly. they should be the first ones to be sent for an english pronounciation course! so what if these people are smart? they cant teach. period. what's the point of paying them so much! give the money to charity instead. gee with the amount of money i'm paying for my school fees, i can put it down as a downpayment for a cabrio! least the cabrio will do me more good than dragging myself for lessons. i'm not against going to school. i would go, if i found the lectures useful. BUT everytime i go, i get pissed off instead. why raise my blood pressure over some blithering idiots, right? no point getting angry with them! they are so stupid, it's not even worth it.

and they should have a seperate marking scheme for china and indian students. not that i'm being racist or anyting BUT they spoil the market. what are they doing here anyway? why can't they just stay where they are? it's a SINGAPORE university. NOT a CHINA uni. gee, anyone looking at the student population here might mistake it for a china uni! *rolls eyes*

i absolutely love ranting and griping. hah. sure beats studying!

i wanted to add a countdown counter. found some but the codes proved too much for me. decided against it. *grin*

alrighty, back to control and instrumentation. it's so totally interesting, i absolutely love it. i'm not kidding you. i love it so much, i actually decided to stay back and study it instead of heading down to phuture. *nods* that's HOW terribly intersting this subject is. i can't tear myself away from it. and did i mention how mesmerising it is too? i'm so drawn to it. been at the same page since this afternoon.

(if you can't sense the sacarsm dripping from the above paragraph, you've got be daft. either that or the most naive person i know.)

counting down...

21 days left to exams...

36 days left to holidays...

i already have a list of what i want to do after exams. (but don't i always?)

pssstt! 36 days left to my birthday toooo!!! *giggles*

~My Boo~
There’s always that one person that will always have your heart
You never see it coming cause you’re blinded from the start
Know that you’re that one for me it’s clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby (you will always be my boo)

I don’t know about y’all but I know about us and
It’s the only way we know how to rock
I don’t know about y’all but I know about us and
It’s the only way we know how to rock

Do you remember girl I was the one that gave you your first kiss
Cause I remember girl I was the one who said put your lips like this
Even before all the fame and people screamin your name
Girl I was there and you were my baby

It started when we were younger you were mine (my boo)
Now another brother's taken over but it’s still in you’re eyes (my boo)
Even though we use to argue it’s all right (my boo)
I know we haven’t seen each other in a while
But you will always be my boo

I was in love with you when we were younger you were mine (my boo)
When I see you from time to time I still feel like (my boo) (that's my baby)
You can see it no matter how I try to hide (my boo) (i can't hide it)
And even though there’s another man who’s in my life
You will always be my boo

Yes I remember boy cause after we kissed
I can only think about you’re lips
Yes I remember boy the moment I knew
You were the one I could spend my life with
Even before all the fame and people screamin your name
I was there and you were my baby

It started when we were younger you were mine (my boo) (you were mine)
Now another brother's taken over but it’s still in you’re eyes (my boo) (yes it is)
Even though we use to argue it’s all right (my boo) (it's all right, it's ok)
I know we haven’t seen each other in a while
But you will always be my boo

I was in love with you when we were younger you were mine (you were my boo) (my boo)
When I see you from time to time I still feel like (my boo)
You can see it no matter how I try to hide (my boo)(it's all right now, it's ok)
And even though there’s another man who’s in my life (what we have is in each other)
You will always be my boo

My oh my oh my oh my oh my boo
My oh my oh my oh my oh my boo

you know that you're my boo, don't you? caught me by surprised when you asked me if you were my boo. heh. i didn't think that you would have read my mind when i told you about this song... well, but then you always claim you're psychic. heh...

i so love this song!!! it's by usher.. check it out!

~Seperated~

If love was a bird then we wouldn't have our wings
If Love was the sky we'd be blue
If Love was a choir, you and I could never sing
'cause Love isn't for me and you
If Love was an Oscar, you and I could never win
'cause we could never act out our parts
If Love is the bible, then we are lost in sin
Because it's not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way,
and I'll go mine
Live your life
And I'll live mine
Baby, you'll do well
And I'll be fine
'cause we're better off separated...

If Love was a fire then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If Love was a light then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold
If Love was a sport, we're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If Love was an ocean, baby, we are just a stream
'cause Love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way,
and I'll go mine
Live your life
And I'll live mine
Baby, you'll do well
And I'll be fine
'cause we're better off separated...

Girl, I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl, you know I love you
I can't deny
Can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I

I know it hurts so much
But it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road, we lost the trust
So I walk away, so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way,
and I'll go mine
Live your life
And I'll live mine
Baby, you'll do well
And I'll be fine
'cause we're better off separated...

I'm sorry we didn't make it.

i'm screwed. exams are in exactly 3 weeks. AND i havent started studying.

shoot me. just do it.

NOW.

truly irrational spurts of thoughts running through my mind

i'm slowly but surely getting fatter. stop feeding me!!! i'm putting on like a kg every weeks! yikes!!!

exams are in a few weeks time and i can't seem to sit down and focus. HOW! die. i'm so screwed. it's just that... i have to fight against the pull of gravity and the inertia to study. and after i do that, i'm simply too exhausted to study. tee hee hee...

i want to be a model tooo. but i never got down to getting my portfolio done. i'm such a procrastinator. i think by the time i really do my portfolio, i'll be either too fat or too old. *sobz*

i need to study. how? super glue my bum to the chair so i can't run away or something. pull me away from my bed, my laptop and confine me to a room with nothing but a table, chair, my books and the four walls. so that there is nothing else i can do but study.

gee i'm so sleepy... *yawn* maybe i should just sleep the whole day away, get enough rest, sleep my fill, play my fill. THEN study. hah. who am i kidding? i always say that. but it's never enough. when is enough ever enough? we are all greedy. we just want more more more more more more!!

i want mudpies and gelato now now now now now!!!! :( waffles and ice cream too... with honey syrup... yummm

*little tum tum kicking up a fuss*

my lantern festival

heh i know lantern festival was like weeks ago... but i never got the time to sit down and write about how i went to play lanterns with ken and shawn. *grin* had a whale of a time! the funny crazy things we did!!!... i've been wanting to write about it and post the pictures but i never got down to uploading them. well i finally did it. hahaha anyway here are some of the pictures...

us and our triple power lantern creation!!!








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see how shawn carries his lantern? like one of those coolie guys... heeee so cute!


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yes shawn? *grin* don't you just want to pinch his cheeks? hahahahaha

****

fly me to the moon...


now shawn and ken want to follow me tooo...



****







hahahaha it was awesome fun!

ooooh the young one's single! i just asked my friend. mmmm...

OH MY GOODNESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOODNESSS!!!!! i don't believe this. somebody PINCH ME! the young one knows R and the girlfriend!!!!! i feel terribly faint. everything around me is spinning. i'm going to get a heart attack. this world is way way way tooooooo small!!!!!!!! how did i know? well... what else but friendster?

a friend just added me on friendster. so i was merrily clicking around. then i saw the young one. (another coincidence. my friend knows him. i suppose coz same age? well there are others that know him too. coz same school.. only 2 years our junior...) so anyway, i clicked on the young one's friends. had a funny feeling he might know R coz swimming and stuff. THEN I SAW IT. i saw R's pic amongst the young one's list of friends. my heart almost leaped out of my mouth. in that instant, everything around me was a blur. i felt faint. my mouth went dry. geez. this can't be real right? this is way way way way tooooo freaky. then i looked further down. and i saw R's girlfriend on his list too. *raises an eyebrow*

told ya friendster's like Pandora's box. i'm staying a zillion miles away from the young one!!!! yikes!!!!

* still recoiled in shock*

'tis the season of young army boys... *wink*

i give up trying to study. the most productive thing i did today was sleep. *yawn*

i just can't seem to get any work done!!!! pffft.

i had my fill of apple shooters. yum!! hee this is my new favourite drink!!!

i'm going to party!!! yay!!!! *excited*

Get Tangled Up In Me

You wanna know more, more, more about me
I'm the girl who's kickin' the coke machine
I'm the one that's honkin' at you cause I left late again

Hey, Hey, Hey
Can't you see I want you
By the way I push you away
Yeah, don't judge me tomorrow by the way I'm actin' today
Mix the words up with the actions
Do it all for your reaction, yeah
Hey, hey, get tangled up in me

You wanna know more, more, more, about me
Gotta know reverse psychology
I'm the reason why you can't get to sleep
I'm the girl you never get just quite what you see

Hey, Hey, Hey Can't you see I want you

By the way I push you away

Yeah, don't judge me tomorrow by the way I'm actin' today

Mix the words up with the actions

Do it all for your reaction, yeah

Hey, hey, get tangled up in me

You think that you know me
(Tangled up in)
You think that i'm only
(Tangled up in me)
When everything i do is only to get tangled up in you

You wanna know more, more, more, about me
I'm the girl that's sweepin' you off your feet

Hey, Hey, Hey
Can't you see I want you
By the way i push you away
Yeah, don't judge me tomorrow by the way I'm actin' today
Mix the words up with the actions
Do it all for your reaction, yeah
Hey, hey, get tangled up in me

if there's homicide and suicide, what do you call killed by homework?

there must be some term for being killed by homework right? some say homie-workie-cide, homeworkcide and fucked up. hahaha there were others but i can't remember. heee

i personally feel it's the lecturers motive to kill us all so they don't have to work and still get a fat pay. *humph*

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JR!!!!

happy birthday to you...
happy birthday to you...
happy birthday to JR!!!!
happy birthday to you!!

HAPPYYYY BIRTHDAYYY!!!! *grin* have a great fun filled day!! and may all the good things come your way. *HUGS* study hard yeah? see ya at Merrill Lynch someday soon! *wink*

(hey, watch this space for your birthday pressie k??)

*yawn* it's 10plus and i just woke up from my nap. heee! decided to indulge myself today. overdid myself this week. i marvel at the amount of studying i did. okay, it's probably not alot to others, but for me, it's enough to make anyone sit up. lets see... almost 20hrs in total? pretty impressive huh? *grin* i've been a good gal this week!

everyone's invited!

recipes are here.

i've got the music and the drinks.

ambience is perfect.

what else are you waiting for?

i've been a good girl today. spent the whole afternoon in the reading room reading my notes. =) i think i finally have an idea what my final year project (fyp) is about. heee.

i have a sudden craving for apple shooters. it's not helping that nel's msn nick is now "apple shooter". *pouts*

damn, why must NTU is on one end of the island! it makes going out so terribly inconvenient. the only thing that's stopping me from clubbbing today is the taxi fare back. i can get a lambo for that price!! *humph*

tsk tsk. it always starts raining after i wake up and decide to go to school. always!! and this leaves me stranded in hall coz i have no brolly. *humph*

some people are just so dumb!!!

ggrrrrr!!!!!! why are some people just so stupid? why? why? why? why don't they have the littlest bit of business sense or common sense, at least?! *rolls eyes* we're supposed to do a business plan as a project for the HRM module i'm taking. and they dumped the market analysis and marketing part to me. while 3 of them merrily do the development and production plan and another does the contingency plan and risk analysis section. but pray, do tell, how do you come out with the development and production plan WITHOUT a market analysis?! HUH?! aren't they simply amazing? and they need 3 people to do that even though the market analysis AND marketing its the meat of the biz plan. i get TWO sections; 3 people share 1 part. WOW. absolutly brilliant.

i've been asking them to send me their findings on the research they did but nothing's happeneing. *scowl* and i did tell them that the market analysis is not as small a part as they make it out to be but did they listen? NO. they insisted it's easy peasy, and so i believed them coz after all they went for lectures, not me. naturally i would assume they would know better right? NO. i'm just flipping through my lecture notes and the fury is building up, temperature arising by the second!!! market analysis is HUGE chunk. *too angry to say anything else*

was just complaining to my roomie who's from business. and she's amazed at how they can just cut up the biz plan into sections and do individually. she agrees that market analysis IS the most important part of the biz plan and should be done first before everything else! gee. looks like i'm the only one in my group with business sense and common sense.

i need a puching bag! NOW!!!

suddenly...

i miss the friends i used to hang out with. what happened to them all? everyone seems to be busy with their own lives, school and the other half...

i miss the things i used to do: shopping in the afternoons; sipping ice-cold fraups and pinching delicious chocolate desserts while watching people pass us by (of course not without some constructive critisisms! heh); idle and juicy girlie talks; having a zillion crushes and getting all excited; late night telephone conversations; strolling by the beach; tanning; the little notes we used to write to each other; watching movies on weekday afternoons...

i miss AC badly. i miss the people. i miss the teachers. bitchy as some of the people might have been, i still miss it all the same. it was fun. the cute guys; the gossips; the canteen; our void deck; playing bridge in all the possible parts of the school (from playing blatently in the void deck to locking ourselves in the container classrooms); PE lessons; the PE teachers; skipping lessons and running off to town in the next taxi we see; morning assemblies; chapels; the stunts those guys pulled; the stories; the punks we played; the bitching; the fun we had; the tears we cried; the silly things we did. everything. these are the things that make us; these are the things that make AC; these are the things that make it different. (probably the very same things that other schools hate us for! hahaha)

i miss the simple things in life: falling in love; pretty bouquets of flowers; little suprises; heart flips at the sight of that special someone; going to dinners and movies with the someone, or simply just hanging out with him. the days of wild innocence seems to have passed on with time. what happened to those days?

oooh long hot showers are amazing! i love them! especially on a cold night like this! and the next best thing after a hot shower is to snuggle up in bed!

*curls up in bed*

my right wrist is swollen! *upset* first it was bruised. now it swelled up. don't know how i got the bruise in the first place! i can't remember. i don't remember alot of things.

yay!! i'm getting a cockiel spaniel!!!! *grin*

benefits of sex~

Did you know that you could tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. It is 10 times more effective than Valium.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

what are you waiting for? *grin*

just a thought...

if you can have FBs, how about KBs?

(oh, KB = kissing buddies. i just coined that term. *grin*)

one of my lesser known weakness: kisses

heh heh heh. i have a terrible weakness for kisses. (of course they have to be delivered by a decent-enough looking guy...)

i love my mummy! she has a way of making everything right and an explanation for everything! just told her about my nightmare. i asked her why it only came back to me after so many years. and she said coz it was something that i saw and scared me and it was always at the back of my mind but never had the chance to surface coz i always had other things on my mind. it only floated up now and came to me as a dream when i'm sleeping coz that's why my mind is idle and not thinking about any other thing. it's not something that i should worry myself silly over, and i should pray and ask God to cast my fear away.

don't you just marvel at how mothers have a reason for everything? and that it actually does make sense? is it a gift that comes with being a mother? how come they seem to always have an explanation for everything? will i know everything when i become a mother someday too?

my surreal nightmare

had this disturbing dream. in my dream, i was on holiday with my family and friends and we were visiting some supposedly spectacular natural waterfall of some sort.

(i can't exactly remember what it is and you got to excuse my limited vocabulary. it's still really early in the morning and i haven't exactly woken up so i'm struggling to dig out words from my cobwebby brain)

right. back to the dream. so we were all going to go down this path to take a look at the breath-taking scenery when mummy suddenly pulled me and my friend's girlfriend aside and said maybe we shouldn't take a look coz someone just committed suicide the night before and the body was still there. but if i thought i could handle it, i ought to take a look at the scenery from that point coz the sight is really beautiful. (ah! i think i remember now. it's some look-out point from the edge of a cliff or something)

at that point i woke up. something about that dream wasn't right. then it struck me that it wasn't just a dream. it was real. it was back when i was 12. we were at a waterfall in new zealand. and someone did commit suicide. i remember it clearly now. there was this pair of ballerina slippers at the edge and the body was at the bottom. a long way down...

*goosebumps* it's giving me the creeps now. somewhat haunting me...

ah, if only we lived in a simpler world! without the games, schemes, lies, deceit and whatnots, life would be much simpler and stress free!

i'm a simple girl with simple needs: just give me the sun, waves, sand, beach and cool breeze! i'll do away with the beemer cabrio for now, but i still want my beachfront house. heee

tucked away on a beautiful island with my cute hunkalicious guy... mmmm... life the way i want it!! i could live like that forever! *dreamy smile*

are guys scheming creatures by nature (in addition to being jerks)? or do we think they are capable of scheming just coz we girls are?

anyone wants a starhub line? or know of anyone who wants it? mine has the 24hrs incoming free calls. i want to give up that line coz i hardly use it now but i'm still on contract so i can't cancel it...

subconsciously depressed~

even jason and ashley who are in someother parts of the world can sense that something's not right with me but i don't feel it. they've been asking about me for the past few days. i kept saying i'm ok. it's only now that i don't feel quite. i feel empty. i feel lifeless. i think i must be depressed of some sort coz i've been sleeping alot. too much. even when i'm not sleepy, i'd just choose to lie in bed and hide under the sheets and drift back off to sleep. sleep is my way of running away from things. i know myself. that's why i think i'm depressed. only i don't know about what. i haven't been myself. i haven't been going out. i'm either hiding in hall or at home. sleeping and hiding from the rest of the world.

is it true? that one look at me and you'd think i'm someone who'd be fun to play with? someone who'd make a good fling? is that why no one takes me seriously? is that why i've only been having flings?

am i just a bimbo to you? just another pretty face? just another airhead?

everything around me seems to be in a mess. i don't feel like shopping. there's no drive to do anything. i just want to curl up in the comfort of my bed.

ok i think i seriously am in some sort of depression. it's gotta be the quarter-life crisis.

yipeee yipeeee whoooooppppeeeeeee!!!!! lalalalalalalalala!!! marianne's back!!!! yay yay yay yay yay!!!!! i missed her so much!!!!

running away

in an attempt to run away from the harsh realities of this world, i've been sleeping alot. an average of 14 hours a day. yup. that's what i have been up to the whole week: wandering and getting lost in dreamland.

every week seems to past faster than the last. so seems each day, each month and each year. is the world spinning faster? or am i idling more? i would like to think the world is spinning faster. time is flying by and i feel really busy this semester, but i still haven't figured with what. it's not school work, that's for sure! coz it's still piling up mercilessly above me. and it can't be shopping, manis & pedis and my little tete a tetes either coz i haven't been doing any of those! *upset*

i feel giddy just looking at time pass me by. it's almost as if like i'm caught it the middle of a hurricane! right in the middle, where it can't hurt me but i can see everything whirl right past me. and i can't reach out to it coz its too fast. everything's gone before i can touch it. almost surreal.

another thing gone wrong is my sleeping pattern. i'm living in the US time zone...

horror of all horrors: it's the september holidays next week!!! YIKESSS!!!!!! this means that exams are really really really really really round the corner!! *faint* i swear this semester is faster than ever!! is the world spinning faster? it MUST BE!!! it was just january! now it's already september!! *gasp* i'm hyperventilating. *breathe in*... *breathe out* exams are 59 days away. somebody call the ambulance. i'm going to get a heart attack. my chest feels tight. i can't breathe. my head feels light. i'm shivering all over. my knees are threatening to buckle beneath me. everything around me is a blurrrrr.... *crumbles to the floor*

i must be under some sleeping spell... i sleep too much. *sigh* don't know why, but i seem to be always falling asleep! i could be watching tennis on tv, and next thing i know, i wake up a few hours later. *blink blink* and i was suppposed to go shopping with mummy just now but i must have fallen asleep (again) coz when i woke up, there wasn't anyone at home. heh. geez, i'm such a sleepy head!!! *yawn*...

me, myself and i~

i enjoy reading my own blogs. say what you want but i still enjoy it all the same! kai's right.. it's like reading one of those thrashy novels. *grin* reading it brings back bitter-sweet memories and a loopy grin to my face. heh. the funny things that happen. the amazing speed at which i change my mind about certain people and things. *in awe*

oh i realised one thing's constant though: i never learn my lesson. it's always the same old story. it's always me saying i want to study (but never getting down to it), too much shopping, wanting to go on holidays/shopping trips... or going through the same nonsense all over again, only with a different guy! silly me... *giggle*

YAY! i finally finished my lab report. mmm funny how i feel SOOO wide awake right now! muahahahaha. and i was feeling sleepy just seconds ago when i was still doing it. hmm it's probably the adrenaline rush i get from completing the report, that's why i'm feeling so awake! you think? ;)

oh if you're wondering what the present list is for, wonder no more! as you all already know by now, my birthday is fast approaching. yup!! about 2 1/2 months more. 18 November. *grin* and well, you know how those couples getting married have a gift registry? yeah, i decided to have my own birthday presents registry too!! *wink* keep your eyes peeled for updates to the present list ok?

that's why i love you guys loads!!! *hugs and kisses*

sleeping beauty~

and i sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep.... *yawn* why am i such a sleepy head? the most productive thing i did today was probably sleep! woke up just in time for my 230pm lab. came back, ate my lunch/dinner. and somehow found myself on my bed. *guilty grin* told myself that i'd take a little nap and then wake up to finish my report. i did remember setting my alarm for 7pm but somehow when my eyes decided to open, it's already 8plus. oops! *yawn* and i'm still sleepy... pulled myself out of bed and plonked my lazy butt on the chair.

i must have slept a total of 12 hours today (including my long nap)! the more i sleep, the sleepier i feel. it's a vicious cycle! *gasps*

The day Paranoia hit home

i think i have psycho tendencies. i think we all have psycho tendencies. just that some of us know how to keep it in check, control it and not let it get the better of us.

we all have our paranoid moments. moments when the world seems to crumble around us and we are standing helplessly in the middle of it all. everything seems wrong and senseless. you question the path you took, the decisions you made, the things you said and did and ponder over why it ever happened. finding no satisfying answer, you'd just toss it, turn it and poke at it relentlessly. for what? just to find something to quench your thirst for answers to the events that have lead up till now. but they still make no sense. you can't answer why you chose to do that. you don't know what made you do that. looking back, you can't believe that you made such a choice. it's something that you'd never do, in your right frame of mind. so could it be that you were possibly someone else when you made that decision? a split personality? perharps. you'd never know. you just live to question the things you did before. and ponder over it.

you want to lead a normal, fuss-free life. a decent life. no frills. without all the thrills and anticipation. but you can't. you just seem drawn to the spiral. almost a force pulling you towards it. something you can't explain. you know it's wrong. you want to run in the opposite direction. but you can't get out of it or pull yourself away from it. this is when you start drifting in between and in and out of the spiral... and the struggle begins...

a mars bar, half a packet of chips and a bowl of maggi noodles later, i'm actually beginning to feel much calmer.
i'm going to show those monkeys i can still do the lab assignment by myself, without the reference! *humph*

will it kill anyone of them to just send me the answer that is already circulating around? *rolls eyes* it's not like they did it themselves!! pfftt!
*scowl* i'm so angry, i'm sure i'd just snap at anyone who talks to me right now!! *folds arms* don't say you weren't warned.

right. it's thursday. my lab report is due tomorrow. *faint* and guess what? i haven't started... *sigh* (oh well, i think you already knew right? heh...)

i'm suffering from major inertia to start studying. will do anything, everything (including running!) but study... how?

i actually went to RUN!!

you'll never believe what i just did! i went to RUN! yup! me RUN! *grin* ran all the way to the coffee shop outside school (stopped for a drink) and back. my friend says it's only about 2.4km but it feels like 3km! well, coming back felt faster!

and THEN WE HAD LAKSA!! hahahahah! his neighbours were cooking laksa and black pepper chicken! *licks lips* YUMMMYYY!!!!! boy can they cook!

so much for burning calories eh? think i consumed more than i burned! *grin* well, the effort was there. ;)

i'm going to make it a point to run at least twice a week. minus the sinful suppers of course!

hey! look at what i found! read these:

http://www.healingsprings.com/ENDORPHINS.htm
http://stress.about.com/cs/exercise/a/aa072003a.htm

now you know!

why does society give the side look to single mothers? what's it with society and single mothers? why is it that single mothers are looked upon with such scorn and disdain? why are they seen as a disgrace to the society? why is it "right" that a child must have a father? i've seen some families whose fathers play no part in bringing up the children at all. what good is a father then? in fact, the father becomes a liability. and the mother is effectively a single parent!

(realise how different it is with a single father? like how some women get attracted to single dads but guys tend to shy away from single mothers? and society pities the single fathers but not the single unwed mums?)

to some women, they rather bring up the child alone. and they have no wish to get married. so they either go to the sperm bank or find a partner to impregnate (if there is such a word..) them. what's wrong with that? maybe having a partner is better. least the kid will know who the father is.

i know.. a child is supposed to be product of love and blah blah blah. but in this world where true love is almost a rarity, where is the love? you tell me! the chances of winning the lottery is probably higher than finding your true love.

what's in a marriage anyway? if you find a good guy, good for you. but how rare is that? guys before and after marriage are 2 different persons! hey, if a good guy can turn bad after marriage, maybe a bad guy will turn good after marriage! haha but i digress. back to where i was - how would you know that you'd want to spend the rest of your life with that guy? let's say you eventually find someone you want to get married too. by then it'll probably be too late to have kids! so why not have a kid first? and get married later?

it's their choice to be single mothers so leave them alone. swallow that criticism you were going to spit at them. they are probably happier than you are. and they sure don't need your pity or your point of view, for that matter.

i'm on the verge of turning unconsciously psycho. i'm subconsciously imagining things and thinking too much. i think there's 2 of me. i have a split personality. like the sane me and the insane me. and they are fighting it out. the insane me is psycho already. the sane me is not (yet). i shouldn't be like that, yet i don't know why i am!

and i had the weirdest dream last night. last night's sleep was so restless!

i think i'm just going back to sleep...

oh shuckadoo. AI lab report and quiz this week... *groan*

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Name:
Age:
Sex:	Female
Sexuality:	StraightGayBisexual
Flirting Skill Level - 62%
Kissing Skill Level - 20%
Cuddling Skill Level - 80%
Sex Skill Level - 80%
Why They Love You	You taste good.
Why They Hate You	They can't bend the way you want them to.
This cool quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 628241 Times.

~A Certain Smile~

A certain smile, a certain face
Can lead an unsuspecting heart

On a merry chase
A fleeting glance

Can say so many lovely things
Suddenly you know why my heart sings

You love awhile

And when love goes,
You try to hide the tears inside

With a cheerful pose

But in the hush of night,
Exactly like a bitter sweet refrain
Comes that certain smile,
To haunt your heart again

ok, fun's over. time to get started on serious studying.

my first (and hopefully last) hangover..

for the first time in my life, i got dead drunk. yup. me drunk. never happened before! and for the second time, i threw up. all i have is one word: UGH! i feel so utterly sick. like the whole world is spinning around me. i want to puke but i can't.. can just feel the leftover alcohol in me... *groans* didn't know how i got so drunk. this is the first time. and will definitely be the last! gosh i was so unconscious i didn't know what was happening around me. though the usual crowd wasn't there, thank God my friend and her friends happened to be there. gee, on hindsight, it would have been so dangerous coz it was just us 2 gals. sorry gal, for scaring you! and thank you too for carrying me all the way up.

wondering if i should venture eating some food. but the thought of putting food into my stomach makes it do a somersault.

supposed to meet him for dinner later. seriously, i feel so sick right now, i don't want to go anywhere or do anything. all i want to do is lie in bed and sleep. i so want to cancel on him. we shouldn't even meet. he should just leave. there's nothing left to say anyway...

are guys really the necessary evil? well, i suppose we girls could live without guys but then maybe life wouldn't be half as interesting. i'm not saying we need guys to make our lives interesting. our lives are as good as it can get right now but maybe guys are meant to add some spice and irritation to our lives? hmmm... maybe sometimes you just need that someone to irk you, to make you angry, to put that little special smile on your face, to irritate you, to disturb you and to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

~I've Got The World On A String~

I've got the world on a string
I'm sitting on a rainbow
Got the string around my finger
What a world, what a life - I'm in love

I've got a song that I sing
I can make the rain go
Any time I move my finger
Lucky me, can't you see - I'm in love

Life's a beautiful thing
As long as I hold the string
I'd be a silly so-and-so
If I should ever let you go

heh and if you're wondering, no, i'm not in love.. i just like this song at the moment.

check out my exotic toes!!

tiger prints!! it's so not me right? i'm always all sweet flowers and hearts... this is wild! haha what do you think?

stressed stressed stressed!

i'm getting more stressed by the minute. first was the lab report. now i found out that there are online quizzes that i have to do. or rather supposed to have done. bibibabiboo!!! shuckadoodapooo!!! and they are going to be graded. and can be only taken once. shoot me.

i'm so dead. so so so dead. i just found out that i have to submit a lab report for my artificial intelligence module by next week. *faint* i'm really panicking now. it's not even funny. can't think straight. all that's flashing across my mind is "AI report!! AI report!! AI report!!" argh!!! i have absolutely no idea what's going on coz i've only been making guest appearances at the lectures. even then i'm still clueless...

???!!!!????!!!!

ex bf over in brisbane knows i'm staying in hall and who helped me with it! when he told me, i was like HUH???!!!!????!!!????!!!! how on earth would he know! he's over the ocean! *quizzical* hahaha looks he's my stalker too and has spies all over and around me!! or so he claims! hahahaha

i'm in a good mood??..

hmm why is everyone asking if i'm in good mood today? my sunshinyness (there is no such word.. i made it up! haha)is peeping through? but i seem like my normal self to me! within the last hour or so, two people have asked why i seem so chirpy and happy. is something the matter with them? or me? silly ash said i'm not complaining to him today, which is something different. bleh! i'm not always complaining! bleh bleh bleh!

wish i was at the piano now... just feel like tinkling the ivories right now...

sometimes i regret not finishing it. afterall i'm already at grade 8.. all i have to do is go take the exam. but thinking of all the hours i have to put in to practice... nah i don't think so! somehow i can seem to find time for everything else but sit down and practice my pieces. guess it was all a matter of prioritizing my time. and committing my time. committing my time is something i find it really difficult to do. hmmm... could it be that i am, subconsciously, a committment phobic?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAIXIN!!!

inertia inertia inertia

mmm been trying to study for the last couple of hours but i never got past the first page. *sheepish grin* i did make the effort to study. i really wanted to. came straight back to hall after lunch and took out my electronics notes. but suddenly everything else seemed more appealing.. and before i knew it, it's already past 5pm. oops. first i said i'll start at 2pm. two o'clock came and went. then it was 3. and then 4. now its 5. time flies. what can i say? not my fault right. *lazy yawn* almost time for dinner... hmm i'll start after dinner? hehehe...

horror of all horrors

i've got a roomie! *gasps* there goes my single deluxe room. *pouts*

was happily on my way up to the room, already thinking of putting sheets onto the other empty bed, when suddenly i stopped in my tracks. a pair of slippers outside my room?! *puzzled* then i thought it was probably one of my friends playing a prank on me or something. then i turned the knob. the door was unlocked! *gasps* i peeked in and i saw someone sitting at the other desk!

*sigh* that's it... no more whole room to myself. well, i'm sure she's a nice girl and i'm glad she's neither an indian or a china national. but still... i'm used to being alone... and i really need to be alone. least for this week! argh.

hmmm mr nice guy has a gf...

they say things happen for a reason...

but you never do find out the reason do you? well, maybe not now, but you'll probably see the light at the end of the tunnel soon enough! heh

was supposed to join some friends for a movie tonight but for some reason or other, i changed my mind. i just didn't want to go down to town. in fact, i was also supposed to go down to town for a mani & pedi but i cancelled that appointment too coz it was raining. well guess what. my friend called just now and said it was a good thing i didn't go for the movie coz guess who they saw? yup. r (aka scumbag) with the girlfriend. it would have been awkard! glad i was spared the weird situation. not that i would have been bothered. knowing me, i would have probably just rolled my eyes at him and give a disgusted face. hah. oh an apparently, they said r's gf wasn't pretty. *skeptical* she did look good in those friendster pics though (but then again, those were all side shots..)

oh well. see, things happen for a reason. and my not going to town was this. it's a friday night, i would normally have been in town and was making plans to go there. but somehow, either i cancelled them or my friends were not free. all things work for a reason. believe me. *grin*

the weather today is simply awesome! cool and breezy... perfect for chilling out! the ambience is set.. my room is all romantic and all... dim lamps, sweet smelling tealights and soft jazzy music in the background... mmmm...

The Crimson Room
try to get out of that room. and then tell me how!

Spot the difference

ice cream overdose!

don't think i'll be touching ice cream for awhile. had so much today! i feel full just thinking about it. swenson's was running a $1.39 for 5 scoops promotion today.. skipped lab to go! haha the temptation was too great. was craving for chocolate chip ice cream when my friend called me and told me about the promotion. craving made me drop everything and go!

first it was an overdose of alcohol the night before and now it's ice cream! i'm beginning to think i don't know how to take things in moderation!

ikea's having MEGA SALE!!! *wide grin* yours truly almost went crazy shopping there. bought as much as i could carry. (well not exactly. i didn't carry. only pushed the stuff to the taxi and my friend helped me carry it up to hall when i got back. heh) i couldn't resist everything. it's almost half price for most of the stuff (like it isn't already cheap!)

my room qualifies as an ikea ad! hahaha! anything you pick out is probably from ikea... this is from ikea, so is that and that and oh this too!

alrighty, time to eat. my first meal of the day. don't know if its lunch or dinner. :S

anybody wanna go to ikea with me today??...

moved into hall finally! phew. it was such a hassle packing and unpacking all my stuff! moving out of hall was one thing. moving in is another thing! i've got like a kazillion and one stuff to bring and it's not even all yet! heh will have to bring in the rest over the weekend. the stuff i brought in is already alot for a first rounnd. hahaha

kong and chye were the absolute sweetest! they helped me to clean up my room yesterday! vacuumed and mopped and dusted. i practically didn't have to lift a finger *grin* aren't they the most awesome??? (of course, for that, i owe them a meal.. haha!)

i love my room. it's pretty breezy. (well if it's on top of the hill it has to be right?) i've got quite a view (and a workout too whenever i climb those flights of stairs!). with all the workout i'm going to get from the stairs, i think i can safely afford suppers. *grin* oh plus i don't have a roomie. and there's no one allocated to the room either. so i got the whole room to myself! splendid! it's even better than single coz it's much bigger! hope no one moves in. *fingers crossed*

ooooh i want to make a trip down to ikea! i'm sure there are things there waiting to be bought! hehe

uh oh... there's a meeting with my FYP supervisor later and i haven't read anything yet. it's almost where i left off last week, safe for a few more line. :S

i got my hall! i got my hall! i got my hall! i got my hall! i got my hall! *jumps up and down* yay yay yay yay yay yay!!!!!

eeks. ashlee simpson is singing live in the studio now and can i just say it's hurting the ears? ouch. how painful!

tsk tsk. all i ever seem to do at home is eat, sleep and eat somemore. *weary look* stayed home today, supposedly to finish (or rather start) my project plan. and what have i done so far? cover page, gantt chart, dissected the project description and placed it under different headings just to make it look like i did something. how pathetic.

went to a friend's father's funeral today. well she's not a close friend. knew her since my sunday school days but we never really spoke after secondary school. our parents knew each other so my parents were going and mummy said i should go too. tried to wiggle my way out of going but i thought i should just go. it's only right, right? there's this thing i hate about funerals. makes you all queasy. and i dread open casket. more so when you're supposed to go up to it and pay your last respects. do i really have to? everytime i have to approach one, my knees threaten to buckle under me.

her dad committed suicide. hanged himself at home. what could be worse than that? my heart goes out to the person who found the body. it really shouldn't be this way. *wince* he got out of a coma a few months ago but slipped into depression. suddenly decided to take his life. why? God saved him once, why did he have to kill himself? waking up from a coma is a miracle itself. how often does anyone wake up from a coma and fully normal? waking up from a coma is rare. waking up and being able to go back to leading a normal life is even more rare (or should the word be rarer?). sometimes those who ever wake up are disabled, either mentally or physically. her dad was even able to go back to work!

the atmosphere of the funeral of someone who committed suicide is different. its all hush hush. no one speaks of how he died. it's unlike the ones whereby the death was of a natural cause and people would speak of the person's last moments.

committing sucide has got to be the most selfish thing to do. he ended his misery but what about his family? my heart shattered just looking at the family he left behind. my poor friend was wailing, crying, screaming and sobbing uncontrollably. no one ever deserves to be like that! *sigh* and the poor mother. i'm sure she's heartbroken yet she has to remain strong for her daughters. please say a little prayer for that family. pray for peace, pray for strength to carry on, pray for God's presence and pray that they will remember that God is there with them always, especially through this difficult period.