I’ve put on so much weight the past couple of weeks!!! faint. I can hardly fit into my jeans now. All of my jeans!!! Have to literally squeeze into them and then after that, I can barely walk or sit. It’s mightily uncomfortable!!!!!!!

The silly flu bug is making its rounds again. Everyone around me is falling sick. I can feel the flu bug creeping on to me too. Throbbing head, aching body, perpetual tiredness, runny nose… and that low sexy husky voice too. Haha.

The clouds outside the window now is in quite an interesting formation… the bottom part is a thick blanket of white fluffy clouds… and then resting on top of the thick white blanket, is a pyramid! Yes, a triangle of marshmallows! If I could, I would take a picture but I can’t! It’s too far away and it doesn’t come up clear enough. *dreamy sigh* clouds never fail to amaze me! I could watch the clouds forever!!! There’s just something about the clouds that’s so hypnotic and mystical at the same time. They can morph into a different shape without you realizing it. One moment it’s a pyramid, next it’s sleeping dog.

Whoever heard of a boss fighting with their employee over compassionate leave!! That was exactly what the psycho bitch was doing to me on Tuesday. I’m entitled to a maximum of 3 days of compassionate leave and she insisted that I take it starting on SATURDAY even though HR said it’s ridiculous since I don’t even work on Saturdays. Sure, the rules say that the 3 days I’m entitled are 3 calendar days but then it doesn’t specify WHEN I have to take it. It says, and I quote, “maximum 3 days or up to the day of funeral, whichever is earlier”. I even checked with HR. they said I didn’t have to start my compassionate leave from the day of death or the immediate day after the day of death. And since my grandfather passed away on Friday night, HR said I had the option of applying for my compassionate leave starting Monday. But psycho bitch insisted that I apply for leave on Saturday since the rules stated “calendar days” and, I quote her, “it’s very important that we do what is right because we have to”. PUI. Who is she to tell me what when she’s the last person on earth to follow rules? What about all the days she has disappeared from work and didn’t apply leave for? It’s so disgusting how she pretends to be oh-so-self-righteous. Ugh. It’s revolting. HR tried explaining to her that it doesn’t make sense for me to apply for leave on a Saturday but got scolded by her too for “being too flexible. This is a bank. How can you be so flexible with the rules? Calendar days means she has to apply for leave starting Saturday, not Monday! If you let her apply on Monday, then it means working days and then that would be breaking the rules!”. You should have listened to that revolting conversation. She could have gotten an Emmy for pretending to be the most self-righteous, law-abiding employee. *rolls eyes*

So in the end, I told her, in my most sarcastic tone, “fine, whatever, I don’t care. Just tell me what days you want me to apply and I will do just that. I don’t care anymore. It’s over. Just tell me which days you will approve and I will just apply.” Hah. Of coz she was pissed off. She kept insisting that it wasn’t her and it’s HR and that if I was unhappy, it’s HR’s policy. I was like yeah, whatever, I don’t care. Obviously she wasn’t too pleased with my response but I really couldn’t be bothered. Why try to get compassionate leave from someone without compassion? Why try to reason with a psycho bitch? She’s not human. She’s cold and unfeeling. I don’t give a damn. Do you know I actually went back to work after I left the hospital that Friday night?? I had to do back to get my work and I was working over the weekend at the wake. And when I told her on Monday morning that I managed to finish a couple of reports and will go to work in the afternoon to pass her the reports, instead of asking me how come I did it, she half screamed over the phone that she cannot wait until afternoon for the reports. She went ballistic and said she HAD to HAVE it in the morning, before 12pm and so she sent someone down to the wake to get my external hard disk from me. She’s unbelievable eh? If she doesn’t deserve a sounding round of applause and a standing ovation for her insanity, I can’t think of anyone else who deserves it. From the beginning till the end of the conversation, she never once asked me how I was – not that I was expecting it but I thought that was basic courtesy. I already know she has no basic courtesy whatsoever but anyone human would know how to ask that question. She’s AMAZING, I tell you. Her insensitive actions never fail to leave you speechless.

It’s funny how the past 2 months have turned out to be... July has a happy month… was hopelessly infatuated with my crush. Can’t even remember when was the last time I was this happy!!! Then came August...

August was a month which was passing both fast and slow at the same time. My grandfather passed away suddenly. The day after national day. It still seems surreal. I knew it was only a matter of time before it happened but still, when it happened, it was so sudden. I got a message from daddy and the events that followed were a blur. I was like a robot. Moving around like clockwork... operating only coz a greater force was holding me together. Subconsciously, I knew I couldn’t crumble. I had to be strong but other than that, I don’t know what was happening. It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. I only remember rushing out of the office and frantically trying to find a cab to take me to the hospital. And as luck would have it, it was peak hour. There was no taxi in sight and the queue was so long. I was hysterical. Kong was trying to keep me calm over the phone but there was nothing that could pacify me or calm me down. I never felt so scared before. I wanted to rush down to the hospital before my grandfather breathed his last breath. I so desperately wanted to be there. I would do anything to be there. Seconds seemed like minutes, minutes seemed like hours. My head was throbbing. My eyes were hot from the tears. Cars were passing me by but I couldn’t see a taxi. Then suddenly, through my tears, I saw a taxi coming my way. I couldn’t thank God enough for that cab. The taxi driver was an angel. He took one look at me and then drove as fast as he could, weaving through traffic and trying his best to make it there in the shortest time possible. The journey to the hospital was the longest ride of my life. My mind was blank, my tears just kept streaming down my cheeks, my shivering fingers holding on tightly to my phone, hoping that daddy or my aunties wouldn’t call and tell me what I didn’t want to hear. Then suddenly my phone rang. It was one of my aunties. My heart stopped. I answered. My auntie asked if I was on my way. She was trying her best to mask her tears but I could tell she was sobbing silently. A fresh burst of tears started. I asked her if my grandfather was ok. She mumbled something then hung up. My worst fear but I was still hoping for the best. I was praying that my grandfather could hang on, until at least I was there by his side. The taxi reached. I left the driver a ten dollar note, and didn’t wait for the change. I literally ran all the way up the escalators and to the lifts going to the wards. It’s amazing how fast I could still run in my heels – and it was the pair that I would usually have difficulty walking in. The lifts took forever to come. If there were any stairs in sight, I would have taken the stairs instead. The lift ride seemed slower than usual. Every second was so precious. Every millisecond was going to make a difference. Now I know what it means to race against time. It’s the worst feeling in the world – being held captive by time. I felt so helpless in the lift. I could do nothing but wait for it to reach the 8th floor. After what seemed like eternity, the lift doors finally opened. I tore through the barely opened lift doors and headed straight for my grandfather’s bed. My uncles, aunties, cousins and daddy were already there. I can still remember the scene vividly. There was my grandfather, sleeping peacefully. I called him but there was no response. He looked so peaceful and happy. I wished he would open his eyes one more time… just one more time, to hear me calling him. Tears were welling up in my eyes. I thought I didn’t make it on time but my auntie said he can still hear me so I thought my grandfather was just sleeping. I only found out much later then he had just passed on a couple of minutes ago by the time I reached. I was so close. I almost made it. But alas, time beat me to it. The next few hours felt like months. Friday night never felt this long drawn. I didn’t want them to take my grandfather away. I wanted to be with him a little longer. He was supposed to see me get married and have kids. He was supposed to live to see his great grandchildren. My aunties were telling me not to cry or else my grandfather wouldn’t be able to leave in peace. I was quite inconsolable. Time stood still. I hated time. I raced against time to reach the hospital as fast as I could but I still couldn’t reach before my grandfather breathed his last breath. My grandfather didn’t have the luxury of time to see his great grandchildren. My grandmother didn’t have the luxury of time to see me grow up. This world is so cruel. Death is so cruel. Time is so cruel.

The rest of the week was just as surreal. After the initial shock, death didn’t seem so real. I could still see my grandfather whenever I wanted to. He looked so peaceful. To me, he was just sleeping. Maybe I was just in denial. But it was good for awhile coz for most part of the wake, I wasn’t so upset. I used to be terrified of open coffins, but funny enough, I wasn’t the least afraid at all this time. Probably coz this time it’s my grandfather. I was never able to stand next to an open coffin. It would have freaked me out and leave me with nightmares for days to come. But with my grandfather, I could just walk over and look at him. The week passed both too slowly and too quickly. Everyone was too busy with all the arrangements and guests to feel upset. There were times when I just stood there and looked around me… my parents, aunties and uncles were all moving around with something to do. Were they just busying themselves to forget the pain? Was being in denial easier to do than do accept reality? Maybe.

The funeral day was heartbreaking. I guess that was when reality hit all of us again. The denial phase was stripped away – just like how you’d strip a plaster from a wound. The pain was unbearable. Sigh. As I was laying flowers on my grandfather’s coffin, my tears flowed uncontrollably. I knew that would be the last time I’ll be seeing my grandfather before the coffin was closed forever.

It hurts to see him leave like that but I know the pain he was feeling was hurting more and it’s better for him that he has passed on. My grandfather has lived a good long life and I know that he was happy. But my greatest regret is that he never got to see me get married or see his great grandchildren. Although I never know when that day will be, it was always my secret wish that he could live to see those 2 days. Oh well… I guess everything’s predestined.